4.07.2011

On being me

I wrote this the other night.... and I came so close to deleting. But if you're reading this I guess I didn't!!! I was scared this would just make me sound crazy... but also I want to be honest on here to how I feel :) Please be kind ;p

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was na├»ve.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself.  ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

From being pretty little, I have always felt as though I was living inside a bubble. That somehow reality didn't apply to me. I felt as though nothing really mattered because I wasn't real. That sounds crazy right?? The bubble protected me from getting hurt (supposedly) but also meant that I never fitted in. Everywhere I've been I've felt like an outsider. That I'm separate from everyone else.

When others were dreaming of their future, making plans to what they wanted to do, I couldn't - because for me  the future didn't exist. I felt as though I was existing but not living. Just going through the motions of life.

Well obviously a future did exist, and somehow I've found myself at 30 with a husband and three children. At times  I feel like the bubble is still there. I still feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I still feel that I'm different (not better, if anything worse) to everyone else.  I struggle with the thought that everything is pointless.


Why am I writing this?? I have no idea.. I just felt like it TBH... this blog is my haven... where I chanel my positivity. BUT while the depression of last year is far behind me (I hope) I still have moments when I despair. When I wish I could stop it all.

I've gotten pretty good at being positive these days. I've learnt to ignore the bad thoughts, MAKE myself think good things instead. I've learnt to accept that I don't fit in places - though it isn't easy. 

I' ve kinda accepted that I am who I am. What has happened in the past has shaped me but is not me. That I am no different to everyone else. I am just as important. And I do matter.

“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” -Pema Chodron
I have the choice to let me stories leave me helpless or to let them empower me.

17 comments:

  1. Sweetie, thank you for sharing this!

    I don't think you are crazy at all. In fact, I've felt almost the same way at times...except my love for entertainment basically made it feel like I was just a character instead of in a bubble. Like others were watching me, but I had no clue what was going to happen next or what to expect. So if you are crazy, then so am I...and you aren't alone!

    Just so you know, I think you are a truly amazing person and I love getting the chances to know you a little more! *hugs*

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  2. So glad I read this Polly. I've been struggling with depression and negativity for a few years and slowly but surely I'm trying to work on the positivity. I turn 30 next year, part of me is incredibly stressed
    about it as I thought things would be very different to how they actually are. The other part of me is trying to be positive about it and look forward to a new chapter and all that comes with it.

    Thanks for sharing x

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  3. Polly! I have felt this way so often as well. I'm so glad you posted this because it's good to know you aren't alone in things like this. Perhaps we each have our own bubble we just have to learn to live with?

    Ladaisi Blog

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  4. thanks love :) You know it took me right up until my 30th to come to terms
    with it! I think being happy is a choice, and the more you work on the
    positivity the easier it becomes! I'm slowing learning to stamp on the
    negative thoughts as soon as they appear in my mind!!

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  5. *blushes* thank you :) soooo glad it's not just me :)

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  6. Lauren - I really debated whether to post this or not, and I am glad I did.
    For me to know, and others, that it is not just ourselves who've felt this
    way is great! And yes - I think we dod just have to learn how to live with
    it :)

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  7. chick...thanx u for postin this really personal info...you could have been talkin about me!!!!...it totally struck an almighty cord...i bet with loadsa other women too. It took me a long time to accept that i didnt 'fit' and now at 33, its actually one of the things that i like about myself. You are a Goddess in your own right sweet....being in your 30s lets you embrace it. Big loves and sunshine.xxxx ;-)

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  8. it was very brave of you to share this post and I am glad you didnt delete it! This post shows just how much you have grown in the past year, and learned! I personally got a lot out of this post and could relate...so thank you for sharing

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  9. I often feel like I don't fit in and like I am just meandering along at life. Thanks for sharing this... I'm fighting back and forth with myself and my fear over being more open and authentic but it is freaking scary... so I appreciate your honesty.

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  10. Oh Polly you're not alone! One thing I've learnt this past year or two is that lots of people feel like this, but they just don't share it, because that takes real guts and nerve to lay yourself open like that. Well done you for posting this :) I think it's a really important step to accepting yourself and being happy in who you are, even on the really bad days, because you're not then trying to live up to an image of yourself. You know, and others know too, that sometimes you struggle... just like them!

    It's like being a mum. Some mums admit they are less than perfect while others pretend they've got it all sussed because they are scared to seem like "bad parents". But guess who come out as the better mums?!

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  11. I felt like this all through my high school days. Ever morning I expected to wake up and be whisked away to another reality where I truly belonged. I still can't imagine my future. That's why I tell my boyfriend I don't want to get married but we can move anywhere, because I can't imagine what will come next. I think we all have a bit of a bubble but, you're right in that we all DO have a future. It's just always something vastly different than we imagined. And oftentimes, much more spectacular.

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  12. You aren't alone! I've felt this way for a long time. Until recently, I have had friends, but not FRIENDS. It seems like I'm SO different and that there is no one they can comprehend what I am about. I definitely feel crazy because I know there HAS to be someone that is similar to me! Entering the blogging world has definitely helped figure myself out and be more comfortable with who I am.

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  13. I love the quotes you have used and this whole post has been a real comfort to me. The part that made me think the most was this "I've learnt to accept that I don't fit in places - though it isn't easy." Thank you so much for your honest post, remember that you aren't alone in how you feel and I hope this and all the other comments are a comfort to you. Your blog is fantastic, congratulations :-)

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  14. I'm SO glad you posted this (and you're not alone). I never planned my future, because the future never applied to me. Now I too find myself at 30, the stay-at-home-mom of 2 boys, and sometimes... It's surreal, and I get scared that I'm going to wake up one day & it will all be some elaborate dream. I don't want to be a teenager again! ahahah

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  15. This is reality for a lot of people, myself included. I am recently going through this all over again with the death of a friend who was like my little brother... he had so much potential and such a passion for the life that he led (he passed in his sleep without any warning, we still don't know the real cause, but think it was a heart attack. He was 17). I looked at his body last weekend and thought, "this is so unfair, he loved life." and wondered why I got to keep the one I do nothing with. I'm afraid to come out of my shell, to really get to know people, to put myself "out there". I am so comfortable hiding behind my lens, my writings, my art. Living through other people's works of fiction. I made myself (and Bobby) a promise that Friday, that I would take his lesson and try to learn from it. I would follow his example and accept that sometimes life gives me the short straw, but I can make the best of it, smile, and find where I belong. As long as I keep my chin up and focus on the positives, things are bound to get better. And ironically enough, all of us who live in our little bubbles seem to be a part of a bigger bubble... they just aren't as transparent as your photo, so we miss that we are a collective of bubbles. :) Never alone.

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  16. girl that doesn't sound crazy at all! my parents used to tell me i lived in the land of fey - a kind of magical realm where everything was possible and i didn't see any badness ever. i understand this feeling so well. it did make me and still makes me feel "different", a lot of time i don't seem to "get" people. after doing something called Myers Briggs (a sort of personality test) i discovered my "type" and it brought some relief. i highly recommend it if you haven't already done it. as i got older the fey-ness began to fade and now the addition of apocalyptic scenarios has been added.

    so glad you wrote this and posted it. writing helps the head swirls to clearly align, making sense of things more is always good for the soul flower in us all. cheers to continued work in progress mode. i'm with ya lades!

    pea ess: just came over after reading your wonderful picnic post on MBFJ blog. it was all kinds of awesome!

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  17. I've always felt different too, like I'm a different breed of human. I find it hard to express myself to other people face-to-face. My therapist says it's just a part of being bipolar. They call it "delusions of grandeur", but I don't see myself as better, just different (well sometimes I feel a bit smarter than some people but I'm not sure it's a delusion). When I was little I had dreams that I was some other creature entirely and that I was only having a very long dream about this world. I felt like people were waiting for me and I kept expecting to wake up any moment. Now that's crazy!

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