a confession...

♥

I have a confession to make. And while I've hinted at it on and off a few times over the past few month, I feel that I need to be totally honest. The past few months have been incredibly difficult for me. I got hit wit ha serious bout of the blues. I have a long, long history of depression, it comes and it goes, and it's just one of those things.

One of the reasons I started this blog, way back in January 2010 was that I was once again in a very dark place, and thought that blogging might help me find a way out of it. And I was amazed at how therapeutic I found it. I fought hard, and clawed my way back to a brighter place.

Then this June/July, I started to notice that my mood was dipping low again. I tried to take extra special care of myself, eased off on some of the pressures that I had placed on myself - being a full time mum, homeschooling, blogging, crafting, running a house, an etsy shop.... my life was pretty crazy. I found myself hiding away, not talking to friends - IRL and online. I convinced myself that no-one would miss me if I wasn't online, if I didn't blog, etc. I fell deeper and deeper into that dark pit.

I mentioned here and there that I was feeling a little blue - but TBH I was pretty close to rock bottom. Some days it was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. Asides from caring for my kiddos, I lost interest in everything else. Somehow I managed to make myself keep on blogging. I  knew how hard I've worked on this little space o'mine, and I didn't want to see it disappear.

I really thought at the worst that I could take no-more. And I was ashamed. Ashamed because people were so kind last year, when I was totally lost and in need of a helping hand, people stepped out to help. And I felt bad, that less than a year on, I was back where I started. So, I kept to myself, and tried not to talk about it. Tried to pretend that everything was ok. But that never helps.

I admitted defeat and went back on my meds. I think it is stronger to accept that you need help, than to pretend that you don't. And thankfully now, the darkness has lifted. I can see clearly once again, and I feel like I am 'me' again. To all of you who have stuck around (all summer - not just through this ramble ;p ) THANKYOU. 

The down time has given me time to think, and I realised that I was putting to much pressure on myself. I was trying to compete, trying to be someone other than me. Trying to do everything, trying to do what  It though I should do, NOT what  I want to do. I'm in the process of changing my priorities. Only doing the things that I love. Following my own path.

I'm not sure if that made much sense, it was free-written, honest and from the heart. And un-edited. I guess I wanted to come clean, explain why I've been awol the last couple of months and say that full service will now be resumed ;p

Saturday Sun

I'm tired and emotional right now.... in need of some TLC (from myself more than anyone)

I've been absent in parts lately... here but not really. Hopefully full service will be resumed shortly ;)

1 / 2 / 3 / 4

On Contentment

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”

Frederick Keonig

This time last year I wasn't in a good place. I was depressed, I was incredibly sad, I wasn't content, I wasn't happy with my life. What a differnece a year makes! I and my life are unrecognisable from a year ago. This time last year, I drank to drown my sorrows and felt like a total failure. Now I am tee-total, I am happy with who I am, happy with my life, I have this blog and my own business. I finally feel as though I am comfortable in my skin - that I am the person I was always meant to be.

Life hasn't been easy, there have been many obstacles along the way. And I have played the victim role perfectly. I have allowed the things that have happened to me to overtake everything else. Instead of standing up and saying "I will not let this define me", I've sat back and been a passenger in my own life.

Something finally changed in me last year. I hated myself most for being a victim, for complaining not doing, for feeling sorry for myself, for being worthless. For a long time I was looking for someone or something that could magically change everything for the better. Then I realised that that person was me. No one else could help me. No one else could make my life what I wanted.

I dug deep and thought long and hard. I had what a lot of people spend years searching for. I have a husband who loves me, and would do anything for me. I have 3 beautiful daughters. I have a roof over my head, plenty of food to eat, clothes and books, and my freedom. What more could I want? Really?

Yes, I had dreams of something bigger and better. Of living a glamourous life, of being rich, of doing lots of exxciting things. But I don't need anything else. I learnt to appreciate what I have, instead of yearning for what I don't.

So, I got off my butt, I stopped drinking and started doing. One day at a time. Made myself think positive thoughts. Started sewing and painting and creating again. Remembered the joy that I found in being creative. Appreciated all the small things. Stopped fretting about the future and enjoyed the now.

And here I am - just turned 30 - with a home, and a husband, and a family, and my own business. With the freedom to live my life how I want. To spend all day with my girls, to enjoy all the small pleasures. To just be me. 

And that is enough for me.

“If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.” - Cicero

2 clicks to vote for me??? 

 

List 38: Things I've learnt in the last year

• Realise anything is possible
• Love what you already have
• Be grateful for your life
• Be aware of how you talk to yourself
• Complain less and
• Smile more
• Don't compare yourself to others, but
• Do be inspired by them
• Stamp out negative thoughts and
• Replace each one with a postive thought
• Don't see it as a failure, see it as a step to success
• Act as though you're who/where you want to be already

and one last piece of advice - go enter the 1st April Sponsor Giveaway!!!

On being me

I wrote this the other night.... and I came so close to deleting. But if you're reading this I guess I didn't!!! I was scared this would just make me sound crazy... but also I want to be honest on here to how I feel :) Please be kind ;p

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was naïve.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself.  ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

From being pretty little, I have always felt as though I was living inside a bubble. That somehow reality didn't apply to me. I felt as though nothing really mattered because I wasn't real. That sounds crazy right?? The bubble protected me from getting hurt (supposedly) but also meant that I never fitted in. Everywhere I've been I've felt like an outsider. That I'm separate from everyone else.

When others were dreaming of their future, making plans to what they wanted to do, I couldn't - because for me  the future didn't exist. I felt as though I was existing but not living. Just going through the motions of life.

Well obviously a future did exist, and somehow I've found myself at 30 with a husband and three children. At times  I feel like the bubble is still there. I still feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I still feel that I'm different (not better, if anything worse) to everyone else.  I struggle with the thought that everything is pointless.

Why am I writing this?? I have no idea.. I just felt like it TBH... this blog is my haven... where I chanel my positivity. BUT while the depression of last year is far behind me (I hope) I still have moments when I despair. When I wish I could stop it all.

I've gotten pretty good at being positive these days. I've learnt to ignore the bad thoughts, MAKE myself think good things instead. I've learnt to accept that I don't fit in places - though it isn't easy. 

I' ve kinda accepted that I am who I am. What has happened in the past has shaped me but is not me. That I am no different to everyone else. I am just as important. And I do matter.

“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” -Pema Chodron

I have the choice to let me stories leave me helpless or to let them empower me.

Living Life Your Way.... Interview with Sarah Stevens

 I've been working hard the last few months at overcoming my fears and following my dreams. So I'm running a series of interview with inspiring people to see what part fear has played in their life and how they've overcome it to live life their way...

This weeks interview is with Sarah Stevens from {Vie Boheme}

Hi Sarah , tell us a little about yourself. Asides from your blog, what else do you do?

 
Thank you so much for having me beautiful Pixie Polly! I'm honored that you've invited me to your table to chat.

 

Let's see. Right now, I'm a non-traditional student at Portland State University and I'm working on my last year of school before getting my Bachelor of Arts in Studio Practices. I spend the bulk of my time these days researching and working on art projects in the painting studio. But I'm also a photographer & mama to a very special 4 year old named Skye. For the past year, I've been involved in the exciting process of starting my own business, {Vie Boheme} Photography.

Is the life you lead now the life you've always dreamt of?

You know--it's funny you should you ask. Eleven years ago I dreamed of attending school to get a degree in art; envisioned myself painting in a studio until late in the night and going to lectures by important contemporary artists. And a couple days ago, as I carried an awkwardly large drawing portfolio and two bags of art supplies across campus, a sudden wave of clarity overtook me.

Not only had I stayed in the studio until 12:30am the previous day, but I had also just recently participated in a lecture by an amazing activist artist! Something about stepping off the curb and looking down the busy Portland street that day was autumn magic. And I finally recognize the truth of my journey--that I am most certainly in the midst of living my dreams.
 

When you have faced difficulties, what has been your inspiration to keep going? I adore discussing questions of the heart. My dearest inspirations are art, earth, music, family and friends. They are my soul mates. And, at one time or another, all of these loves and lovers have convinced me to keep fighting the good fight. In the dark times, they chorus my soul's mission of purpose. That I exist for a reason. And that I am here to spread light even in the darkness. Love is nuzzled at the core of everything I do. And I believe that peace will prevail over difficulty, even in my own heart. Most of all, it is my peaceful idealism, a vision of the best of all possible worlds, that keeps me afloat during difficult times.

Fear affects us all at some point. What part has fear played in your life and how have you overcome it?

When I was 15, I was diagnosed with manic depression. Recently, I was diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD as well. I know fear so intimately that sometimes getting out of bed feels like a battle. But, I refuse to let it rule my life! And, I've learned a host of tools and tricks for keeping my fears in their proper place. In fact, I don't believe fear is something that needs to be overcome at all. It just needs to be firmly guided.

For me, that means cultivating a healthy relationship with my fears. I do my best to stay grounded in practices that nourish my soul. Art. Yoga. Exercise. Organic foods. Time in nature. Time with family. Journaling. Meditation. Lots of water. Good music. Friends. Dancing. Travel. Exploration. Deep breathing. Education.

The more I lean into these practices in my life, the more the fear changes from a thundering loud voice, to just a restless whisper. Of course, she's always there. But, when I'm doing my soul's work, the things that are good for my body and mama earth, I am more inclined to look on my fears with love and patience than with anger or contempt. And, when I listen to my fears lovingly, my decisions regarding her advice are much healthier.
 

What advice would you offer on following your heart and living your dreams?

Living a life of your dreams means putting everything you've got toward your vision. Blood. Sweat. Tears. Paper cuts. Late nights. All of it! It takes tenacity and the certitude that you are working toward something meaningful. Your inner demons are your worst critics and they will try to get the best of you. Don't let them. Take good care of yourself. The world needs you at your best.

We each only get this one chance at this one particular beautiful life to make it worthwhile. Once you commit to following your heart, you've got to hold onto your dream with everything you've got. Don't ever give up! And always remember that you are gorgeous, brave and as worthy as anyone on this planet to make your wildest dreams come true!  

What do you think are the three most important things you need to lead a happy and radiant life?

Definitely Love. Creativity. And connection with nature. If we treat mama earth with love and respect, she showers us with fruit and makes our lives infinitely rich. When we pursue the cosmic creative spark that animates us and all things, we find joys beyond our wildest dreams. And when our hearts are grounded in love, we can heal the world.

 

Where can we connect with you?

Fall quarter has been super busy for me. Unfortunately my online time is limited until December. But, I check my e-mail every day. And you can still connect with me at my blog, {Vie Boheme} and at Light Chasing. Or you can catch me on facebook, twitter, and flickr.

Thanks Sarah!

List 20: Things to do when you're sad

When I'm in a melancholy mood, rather than feel bad for feeling bad (!!) I try and do something to distract myself from my mood. Here's a few of the things I do: 

• Put some happy music on LOUD and dance dance dance
• Eat chocolate!
• Write a list of things to be grateful for
• Do something creative. Paint, write, knit... whatever takes you're fancy
• Go for a walk
• Do something nice for someone else
• Call someone
• Watch a cheesy movie
• Write it all out
• Run a bubble bath and put on a face mask
• Meditate for 5 minutes

What do you do when you're feeling blue?

Stand off with Dark

 

Through much of my lifetime, up until the begining of this year. I haven't been comfortable with the Dark that lives within me - anger and sad feelings, etc.

In the past when I felt the Dark rising within me, I would push it down, pretend that I was fine and distract myself to numbness.

Earlier this year, triggered by old feelings, I allowed them to take over me. It felt as though good and evil were fighting it out inside me. Squeezing me hard.

The evil fighting was a 'false self', the voice that told me I'm not good enough, or pretty enough, or worthy of being happy... It was trying to take over. I didn't try and put a mask on, I let it be known that I was fighting the Dark... and  let them see it.

I did not run away.

And now I have come out the otherside. The Dark has passed, and I am stronger for it. I am still here - knowing that I have been given a second chance to live the life I want and deserve. Knowing that I am strong enough to fight should the Dark ever rise again. Knowing that I am worthy and enough.

I have grown immesurably from my stand off with the Dark. And I no longer fear it.

tonight

Tonight I'm not feeling so good. I've had a good day, no a GREAT day... the girls and I have had tonnes of fun, we've crafted and read and baked and played in the woods. It truly was a perfect day.

These feelings started late afternoon and now I feel pretty darn crap. My gremlins are very active, whispering, no make that shouting in my head.

"You're not pretty enough"
"You're not clever enough"

"You're not funny enough"

"You're art isn't good enough"

"You are just not anything enough"

The tears are falling now I'm writing these words. I've held them in all evening, and put on a smiley face for the girls. Nothing happened to make me feel this way... it just came on. I'm tired and emotional and not feeling strong enough to ignore the gremlins tonight. Right now, I believe them.

I feel like destroying all my canvas, deleting every thing online, digging a hole and hiding in it. I know that will do me no good but it is very tempting. 

I don't know why I'm even bothering. I'm feeling lonely and disconnected. I feel like giving up.

Maybe it's just tiredness, maybe it's hormones. I just wish it'd bugger off now please. 

I don't feel like I have anything to give, anything of worth. Why am I even trying?

right now

Sick and Tired

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I'm sick. Again. 10 days ago I had a nasty cold, and a chesty cough. It kinda went away but not entirely. Yesterday I woke up feeling pretty yucky. This morning I'm still feeling the same. I have no voice. I feel exhausted and run down. My body needs to rest and I need to learn to listen to it. I get sick but I have so much to do that I don't stop and rest. I keep going. Keep pushing myself until I collapse. In the last 2 years, the 3 times I've gotten sick, it's ended up with bad chest infections (twice) and pleurisy (once). I'm not good at admitting that I need rest. That I need help. With 3 children to look after, and home school, a house to run, cleaning, cooking, washing, a million and one activities to go to, blogging, painting etc... I don't have the time to just stop and rest. There isn't really anyone who can take over or step in for a day or two when I'm ill. 

I've been neglecting myself. So focused on all I 'have' to achieve everyday, that I don't have the time to take care of myself. Remember one of my 52 lists on self care? Well I have to admit I haven't been following it. I might have stopped drinking and smoking, I dont' starve myself or binge and purge anymore.... BUT I'm still abusing my body in other ways. I don't fuel it with nourishing foods, I don't give it time to rest or exercise it.

I stay up late working, but with a baby who gets me up around 6am everyday, I really need to get some early nights, as this lack of sleep is clearly making me ill. I need to exercise, and to eat healthily. That last one is the trickiest though. I'm an all or nothing girl. My brain seems to still be hot wired into old ways of thinking left over from my eating disorder days. I start off by just trying to eat healthily, no sugars etc but my brain doesn't stop there and before I know it I'm eating nothing. Zero. Zilch. I don't know how to eat healthily and sensibly. I don't know how to restrict the unhealthy foods without restricting everything. 

I need someway of finding a balance... of being able to cut out certain foods. To learn to nourish my body with the things that it needs.

For today, I am stopping and resting. My husband is home, so in theory there is someone else to keep an eye on the children. I'm going to snuggle on the sofa and do absolutely nothing!!!

Who Am I?

source

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
-Winne the Pooh

I've been feeling a little lost the last few days. I've been focused on fighting the depression for the last few months, trying to overcome my fears and finding my joy again. As things level out, the depression has subsised, I've activly fighting fear everyday and joy is filling my days again, I'm finding that there is still a niggling voice inside my head, whispering over and over "but who are you?"

I've spent years feeling that who I am isn't good enough, that I don't count. I always felt that I was inferior to everyone else around me and that the things I liked/wanted/thought/did were wrong. So... I spent years trying to be someone else. Trying to be like others around me, trying to be something different depending on who I was with... trying to be who I thought they wanted me to be. Of course, that never worked. I was always chasing after this fictional person, always trying to figure out what people wanted from me. It caused me even more heartache.

Now, I'm on a mission for authenticity. But, after a lifetime of trying to be someone else, I'm struggling to figure out who I actually am. I still think that people won't like me for who I acutally am. I stuggle to give myself the power to stand up and say THIS IS ME. And I'm realising that I don't know who I am..... I need to delve deep inside me and work out the things that matter to me. But most importantly I need to learn to be proud of who I am, and unafraid to let others see me.

There have been many melancholy moments lately, an ache deep inside me, a sadness and a yearning although I'm not sure what for. Part of it is the season, for I always feel this way when autumn arrives. Part of it is the depression trying to take hold again. I'm strong enough now to know that things are fine. To be extra kind to myself when I am feeling blue. To sit tight and ride it out. To live in the moment and not worry about the future. 

When I'm feeling melancholy, when the voices are whispering "no-one likes you" I can ignore them... remind myself that isn't true. Remind myself of the messages and visits from friends. Know that they wouldn't ask to meet up if they didn't want to, know that my thoughts are not always the truth.

This is me here, being authentic... admitting that I don't know who I am... and hoping that's ok to admit.

Living Life Your Way.... Interview with Jenn Gibson

I've been working hard the last few months at overcoming my fears and following my dreams. So I'm running a series of interview with inspiring people to see what part fear has played in their life and how they've overcome it to live life their way...

This weeks interview is with Jenn Gibson from Kind Over Matter

*Hi Jenn, tell us a little about yourself.

I'm a photographer and writer, and one-half of the duo that created Kind Over Matter. I like to paint words on rocks and then tell stories of what those words mean to me. I'm a lacto-vegetarian with a healthy obsession for Mexican food and I will never give up cheese, quite possibly because of that. I steal snuggles from Bean the Boy Kitten. Daily parts of my life are paper journaling, talking to my dear sweet momma and sky-gazing. The beach owns me, lock-stock-and-barrel. I'm happier right now than I've ever been before and every day I give thanks for it all.

*What is the inspiration behind Kind Over Matter?

Amanda and I started Kind Over Matter almost two years ago, she had made some printable kind cards for her Etsy shop and sent me a few. We got to talking and decided to make a group on Flickr, to pool all of the photos, then we decided to make a blog. The rest, as they say, is history.

The core of Kind Over Matter is rooted deeply in celebrating the everyday type of kindness, the things that most people don’t actively notice but that make a difference – holding the door open for someone, offering a smile, engaging someone in a quiet kind of conversation, letting them be heard. So often that can make all the difference in someone’s day, I know it has in mine.

*Aside from Kind Over Matter what else do you do?

Mmm, lots of things! I love to make videos and take photos. I’m gathering ideas for my next video and so excited to share it with everyone. I dusted off my blog and have started writing again, sharing my thoughts and parts of my journey, I’ve missed writing so much, it feels amazing to get back to it. I love roadtripping – over the summer I went out to Tennessee and visited my Sister Sara -- so fun! But all of that aside, the main thing I’m doing right now is trying to find balance and I’ve been lucky enough to work with an awesome life coach, Danette has been such a blessing through this discovery period. She’s just the best.

*When you have faced difficulties, what has been your inspiration to keep going?

Sometimes the only thing that kept me going was the deep-seated belief that tomorrow would be better. Trusting in that and living inside each moment as best as I can, those help when things get tough.

*All of us have our fears, some rule stronger than others. What part has fear played in your life?

Fear has played a huge part in my life. I’ve lived with anxiety since I was 7 and for a very long time it controlled me, it designated where (and if) I went, how long I stayed, what I ate. My dad died when I was 21, for months after that I wouldn’t leave the house, with the sole exception of going to work, if that. I was terrified that something would happen to my family, I needed to be there to take care of them, I had to be there. Breaking out of that frame of mind was so hard and I’m so thankful that I was working with a grief counselor through that period, she was so gentle and careful with me. I was fragile, I was broken and had no idea how to fix things. Until one day, I wanted to drive up to this place outside Baltimore, there were waterfalls and I’d always gone there for a spot of peace. At that time I was living an hour away, so you can imagine how enormous even the thought of doing that was. But I got in my car, shaking and crying the whole way. I got there, stayed for a few minutes and then turned around and went home. I was terrified. I was proud of myself. My first victory, but not my last.

Each victory has been celebrated, each moment held dear.

And because I shared all of that, the beginning and middle, I want to share, not the end, but the present, where things are now. Two years ago I did cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT. You see, I get the most wonderful cases of wanderlust and I sometimes need to drive places, far places, to see what’s out there, to experience life somewhere else, for a day or a week. That’s such a fundamental part of who I am. But, I wanted to go other places, overseas, and that required me getting on a plane. Which I’d never done. Which scared me to pieces. I would not get on a plane, even driving to an airport would cause really high levels of anxiety. I wanted this to change, though, I wanted to not live in fear anymore. So I did CBT and things were rolling along merrily, I made tentative plans to fly somewhere, but then I was told I was going to San Diego, for work. I’d have to fly across the country. I was terrified. I was thrilled. I was ready. The picture up at the top of this post, I took this when I was at the Pacific Ocean. This photo shows you how hard I’ve worked for the past 25 years on living with and overcoming anxiety. This photo is my triumph.

*What advice would you offer on following your heart and living your dreams?

The same thing I tell myself : Be brave, be fearless. We’re only here for a short time, go all out, live without regrets. If you fail, try again, and then try again.

*What do you think are the three most important things you need to lead a happy and radiant life?

Oh wow, hard to whittle it down to just three. I’d have to say, for me, those three things are eating really amazing tasty food, honoring my Truths and Values and creating things, anything. Those are the most important.

*Where can we connect with you?

You can find me writing at This Messy Life and Kind Over Matter, on Twitter and Facebook, and Flickr and Vimeo.

Stop over and say hi, I’d love to meet you!

I am enough

source

 For a long time, I have felt inadequate as a person. I've felt that nothing about me measures up to any one else. I've spent my life chasing after a version of me that just doesn't exist. I always thought that if I could just be more like 'X' then everything would be fine, or if I do exactly what 'Y' has done then things will work out.

I hated myself so much that I couldn't see any thing good in me, I couldn't see how any one else could like let alone love me. I had no faith in myself, I didn't trust myself to make the right decision, or the confidence to just be myself.

Trying to be someone else has done me no good. I've struggled and struggled through life, hating every inch of myself. Wishing to vanish. The one thing that has slowly started to make a difference in the last 6 months is to accept that I am enough. I don't need to be anyone else, I don't need to do what someone else does, or think what they think, or like what they like. I am on my own path, and I have to stop fighting and start accepting.

I am enough and I am doing my best.
I am enough and I am doing my best.

I am enough and I am doing my best.

Repeating in my head over and over, when I feel stressed or blue or inadequate.

The bad stuff is always easier to believe than the good, and easier to remember too. But I'm giving it up. I don't want to look back on my life with regret. All there is is the here and now. I am me and I am enough. I am not someone else and the path that I am taking is the right one.

The last couple of weeks, I've been feeling unsure about my art. I keep comparing myself to other artists, people who have been working on it for years and years (not months and months). I've been allowing myself to feel inadequate. I've been wondering why I'm even bothering as I'm never going to compete with all that they've achieved.

Then some wise words came in an email to me. A friend saying that as much is her love of creating it's only a PART if her life. That she has no desire to build a huge career out of it. Her words sat with me, and I began to realise that I love painting and creating. It fills my soul with joy, and makes me feel so good. I love my simple life, the fact that I can spend so much time with my 3 girls while they are little. I realised that I don't feel the need to create a huge career out of this. I paint because I love it... and if I can spread some of that love by sharing my art then even better. But I don't need or want to compete with others. They are on their path and I am on mine. And I am happy with where the road is leading....

I AM ENOUGH

Those darn Gremlins

My gremlins have  been very vocal for the last few days. They're this nagging voice inside my head. Always there, sometimes louder than others. Here's a few of the things they're telling me right now:

• Depression is always going to have a hold on you
• You're just not good enough
• The people you're connecting with just don't really care
• Everyone else is better than you
• You never finish anything
• No one will want to buy your art anyway, so why are you painting?
• Nothing is ever going to change
• You'll never have the life you dream of so why even try

I've been working hard on ignoring them. Acknowledging them, writing them down and then kindly telling them to fuck off now please.

In the past I've always taken what my gremlins have told me as gospel. Taken every word to heart and let them call the shots. But no longer.

Most of the time I feel like an impostor... that I'm not really an artist, not really a good mother, not really a good person ...... I feel like everyone else is far more confident and competent than I, and that any minute I'm going to be found out and exposed as an fraud.....

I know deep down that none of this is true. Everyone feels this way sometimes, and others don't see me the way I see myself.

Also, my gremlins are shouting louder now because they know that I'm onto them. I'm following my heart and creating and connecting and LIVING. No longer am I living in their shadow, and they are afraid, they can see that they are losing their power.

I'm painting and creating more than ever, and loving every minute of it. I'm putting myself out here, connecting and making new friends, online and IRL. I'm in the process of setting up my very own website (more on that soon). No longer am I sitting back and letting life pass me by, I am a part of it now.

“We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?…Your playing small does not serve the world.” Marianne Williamson

Letting go

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For as long as I can remember, I have lived with depression. I have spent years hating myself and wishing I was dead. I have lived in a constant state of depression and hopelessness. I have been full of self doubt, and negative talk. I am my own worst enemy, constantly putting myself down, not taking care of myself, choosing to believe those negative thoughts swirling round in my mind.

I've been waiting for some miracle cure, a magic spell to rid me of these feelings. I have hoped that someone, anyone would come along and make everything OK. I haven't allowed myself to work through the reasons behind these feelings. I haven't allowed them to be important. Instead, I've created the truth in my head that these things have happened because I'm depressed, because I'm a bad person, because I deserved them. I'm slowly starting to accept that that isn't the truth. That I am depressed because of the things that have happened in my life.And that to rid myself of the depression then I have to acknowledge their importance.. and confront them face on so that I can put them to rest.

When we are born, happiness is an innate quality that we possess. Unfortunately, as we grow and are exposed to negativity, violence, suffering and sadness, the happiness that once we took for granted leaves us. Happiness is a skill that we have to practice, to work on. It won't just reappear, we have to actively seek it out and invite it back into our lives.

• Letting  go of depression

It's easy to get stuck in a pattern of behaviours, feelings and emotions. To some extent, we make the decision to be depressed. Safe in what we have always known, we hold on to our depression, afraid to make the changes necessary to move on.

Have you wondered why people who complain, all of the time, about how bad everything in their life is, yet make no effort to change things? They are thriving on their self-pity, and inviting others to reaffirm it to them.

I've been doing lots of thinking lately, and have started being truthful with myself. One of my biggest obstacles to being happy is myself. I have grown comfortable with my depression, it's almost like a safety net, a get out clause for me.... oh I can't do that I'm too depressed... It is the only way I have ever known how to be. I'm afraid of happiness, because it's unfamiliar to me.

• Removing Negativity and Introducing Positivity

If you're trying to move away from depression, the last thing you need is to be surrounded by negative people. They drain your energy, waste your time and reaffirm your old habits and thoughts. Cut your ties with people who don't make you feel good, see less of them, or change the subject every time they start complaining! There are a few people in my life who fit this perfectly. They spend their time complaining about how hard everything is, etc etc... they hint at changing but when it comes to it they don't. They are not healthy relationships for me right now, so whilst it's difficult to cut ties entirely, I am cutting down on how much time I spend with them.

Whilst cutting out negativity from your life, it's also important to surround yourself with positivity, be it images, people or what you are reading. Positivity creates more positivity.

There are times when I can feel myself slipping back into negativity and depression. In the past I would allow those feelings to overwhelm me, to give in entirely to them. But now I am learning how to stamp them out, by listening to uplifting music, or reading books/articles online that encourage positive thinking, by painting/crafting, by reaching out to a friend.... things that make me feel good.

• Confront your demons

To overcome depression, it is vital that you confront the negative things in your life in order to be able to accept them and let them go. For years and years I have done everything possible to avoid having to deal with anything. I've turned to drink and drugs to block things out, restricted my eating or overate, self-harmed... all ways of trying to ignore my feelings. I am slowly starting to confront my past. I'm waiting to see a counselor... but in the meantime I've been writing it down in my journal, and writing it all down... every last little thing. Sometimes I feel as if my heart is going to burst out of my chest, my head starts spinning and terror threatens to take over. When this happens, I slow my breathign down, close my eyes and go inside myself. I repeat to myself that everything is going to be fine, that it's ok to let go of my old ways.

The old self will fight and scream and kick to be allowed to keep on living... you have to fight back and not give in to it. Let it go.

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• Allow yourself to be alone

Sometimes I'm scared to be alone, scared that the depression will overwhelm me again. It's all too easy to cling to other poeple, to hope that they will create your happiness. While having friends is very important, and others can help you on your path, ulitmeatly it is only YOU who can create your own happiness.

Allow myself time alone, time to write or paint or think or just be. Become aware of yourself, of who you really are, what you think, what you feel. Turn your self-pity into compassion, and then into love. Love for yourself, and love for living. Seperating the lies from the truth, and becoming aware of just how powerful you can be.

• Know you are loved

 Yes there are many cruel humans about, but there are also tons of good people too. Open your eyes and you will see them. Let go of the poeple who have hurt you in the past, they are not important. The people who matter are the ones who see the bueaty in everything.... they are the importnat ones. 

You are loved. Life is short. Don't waste time worrying over what may be, or what has been. You can't change the past, but by accepting it and letting yourself move on, you can change your future.