“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
-Winne the Pooh
I've been feeling a little lost the last few days. I've been focused on fighting the depression for the last few months, trying to overcome my fears and finding my joy again. As things level out, the depression has subsised, I've activly fighting fear everyday and joy is filling my days again, I'm finding that there is still a niggling voice inside my head, whispering over and over "but who are you?"
I've spent years feeling that who I am isn't good enough, that I don't count. I always felt that I was inferior to everyone else around me and that the things I liked/wanted/thought/did were wrong. So... I spent years trying to be someone else. Trying to be like others around me, trying to be something different depending on who I was with... trying to be who I thought they wanted me to be. Of course, that never worked. I was always chasing after this fictional person, always trying to figure out what people wanted from me. It caused me even more heartache.
Now, I'm on a mission for authenticity. But, after a lifetime of trying to be someone else, I'm struggling to figure out who I actually am. I still think that people won't like me for who I acutally am. I stuggle to give myself the power to stand up and say THIS IS ME. And I'm realising that I don't know who I am..... I need to delve deep inside me and work out the things that matter to me. But most importantly I need to learn to be proud of who I am, and unafraid to let others see me.
There have been many melancholy moments lately, an ache deep inside me, a sadness and a yearning although I'm not sure what for. Part of it is the season, for I always feel this way when autumn arrives. Part of it is the depression trying to take hold again. I'm strong enough now to know that things are fine. To be extra kind to myself when I am feeling blue. To sit tight and ride it out. To live in the moment and not worry about the future.
When I'm feeling melancholy, when the voices are whispering "no-one likes you" I can ignore them... remind myself that isn't true. Remind myself of the messages and visits from friends. Know that they wouldn't ask to meet up if they didn't want to, know that my thoughts are not always the truth.
This is me here, being authentic... admitting that I don't know who I am... and hoping that's ok to admit.