10.21.2010

Who Am I?

source

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
-Winne the Pooh


I've been feeling a little lost the last few days. I've been focused on fighting the depression for the last few months, trying to overcome my fears and finding my joy again. As things level out, the depression has subsised, I've activly fighting fear everyday and joy is filling my days again, I'm finding that there is still a niggling voice inside my head, whispering over and over "but who are you?"

I've spent years feeling that who I am isn't good enough, that I don't count. I always felt that I was inferior to everyone else around me and that the things I liked/wanted/thought/did were wrong. So... I spent years trying to be someone else. Trying to be like others around me, trying to be something different depending on who I was with... trying to be who I thought they wanted me to be. Of course, that never worked. I was always chasing after this fictional person, always trying to figure out what people wanted from me. It caused me even more heartache.

Now, I'm on a mission for authenticity. But, after a lifetime of trying to be someone else, I'm struggling to figure out who I actually am. I still think that people won't like me for who I acutally am. I stuggle to give myself the power to stand up and say THIS IS ME. And I'm realising that I don't know who I am..... I need to delve deep inside me and work out the things that matter to me. But most importantly I need to learn to be proud of who I am, and unafraid to let others see me.

There have been many melancholy moments lately, an ache deep inside me, a sadness and a yearning although I'm not sure what for. Part of it is the season, for I always feel this way when autumn arrives. Part of it is the depression trying to take hold again. I'm strong enough now to know that things are fine. To be extra kind to myself when I am feeling blue. To sit tight and ride it out. To live in the moment and not worry about the future. 

When I'm feeling melancholy, when the voices are whispering "no-one likes you" I can ignore them... remind myself that isn't true. Remind myself of the messages and visits from friends. Know that they wouldn't ask to meet up if they didn't want to, know that my thoughts are not always the truth.

This is me here, being authentic... admitting that I don't know who I am... and hoping that's ok to admit.

9 comments:

  1. Dearest Polly: Yes, indeed, it is entirely okay to admit! You are not alone. Not for one moment (although we feel it, don't we?)doubt that you are by yourself in this crazy battle. I will definately join hands in sisterhood and let you know that I don't have a clue either.

    I always have the most success when I see the ugly monster of depression coming my way. In a sense, it helps me, I know that I know that I must act. It's coming. Sounds like you have that intuition also. Use it sister!

    Today, I grab my magic wand, throw fairy dust on you.....and declare it a wonderous, scrumptious day!!

    hugs!
    Kelly

    ReplyDelete
  2. Being real and authentic means bravely accepting ourselves, with all our imperfections and knowing that we are enough, right now, this very moment. This sparkling courage you are demonstrating here, by sharing your very heart and soul, is what living bravely and authentically is all about. *hugs* And, as we whisper our truth and share our stories, rather than those imposed on us by other people and their 'expectations', we WILL find that we are NOT alone.... that there are others who share our deepest longings.
    These words today spoke so very deeply to my soul... those words could so easily have been mine.
    As you cut yourself free from all that has tied you down in the past, you will take flight into all your hopes and dreams, dear ones. And I will certainly be here flying with you... for your deepest yearnings are mine also.
    Much love and many blessings, sweet one.
    xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is something I could have written at many different stages of my life, including today. While I feel like I have a better understanding of who I am today, I still feel the tension and stress rise up when I think on the question of "who am I?"
    Connecting with like-minded mamas has helped so much in that I now know I'm not alone in my thoughts and hopes and dreams. I now know I"m not alone in the way I choose to live my life and raise my child. This has been huge for me. But still, there is a struggle.
    Being authentic is something I value in myself, and in others. It is the only thing that matters and by admitting your imperfections you embrace who you are. This is authenticity.

    "Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." ~Lao Tzu

    This quote has been on my mind lately and I thought it might help to lift you up. Lao Tzu's words are so simple, if not difficult to put into practice, but so incrediby profound. I'm attempting to let them guide me so I don't lose track of what matters.
    Also, Vitamin D3 - have you tried it for your depression? I take a liquid supplement and it has made a huge difference in my state of mind. I take a very large dose and feel it has really saved me. Sending you much love and light. Never forget you are a beautiful soul. xoxo -Debbie

    ReplyDelete
  4. This post really hit home for me and made me think all day long. Know that you are not alone in your feelings. The more I relfect on the concept of "knowing who you are", the stronger the sense that no one truly knows (and if they say they do, I question their authenticity and honesty) - for if we did know, we would not have anything left to strive for in life. I think that is part of all of our journey's- discovering ourselves on a daily basis, acknowledging that we as people change constantly and should never stop seeking what makes us tick. Hang in there - you are a magnetic, poetic, artistic soul. (PS- love the new site design)!

    ReplyDelete
  5. It's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. And as I start to whisper my truth and tell my story I finding kindred spirits along the way. Living a lie only distances you from everyone. Cutting down my ties to the past is difficult... but I so want to realise my dreams that it is worth it.

    @Debbie...thanks, that quote really struck a chord with me. have printed it out and stuck it on my bedroom mirror. I haven't tried Vitamin D3, I take a mulit vit and omega oils... will look into it more. How much do you take?

    ReplyDelete
  6. hi polly, love your new header.

    one thing i've stopped doing is searching for myself. turns out, i've always been here. :)
    sometimes, striving and digging can focus usaway from this moment, this self.

    allowing ourselves to unfold brings acceptance. of imperfections, and of not having all the answers to who we are.

    today i wonder - am i an artist, a listener, a mentor, a writer..... maybe some, maybe all... the adventure is in letting it all hang out.

    hugs

    ReplyDelete
  7. @Monica - you know,I think you might be right.... we can search and search only to find we're right here all along. Accepting who we are, every little thing, and allowing ourselves to focusing on being here now

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is something I could have written at many different stages of my life, including today. While I feel like I have a better understanding of who I am today, I still feel the tension and stress rise up when I think on the question of "who am I?"
    Connecting with like-minded mamas has helped so much in that I now know I'm not alone in my thoughts and hopes and dreams. I now know I"m not alone in the way I choose to live my life and raise my child. This has been huge for me. But still, there is a struggle.
    Being authentic is something I value in myself, and in others. It is the only thing that matters and by admitting your imperfections you embrace who you are. This is authenticity.

    "Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." ~Lao Tzu

    This quote has been on my mind lately and I thought it might help to lift you up. Lao Tzu's words are so simple, if not difficult to put into practice, but so incrediby profound. I'm attempting to let them guide me so I don't lose track of what matters.
    Also, Vitamin D3 - have you tried it for your depression? I take a liquid supplement and it has made a huge difference in my state of mind. I take a very large dose and feel it has really saved me. Sending you much love and light. Never forget you are a beautiful soul. xoxo -Debbie

    ReplyDelete
  9. Being real and authentic means bravely accepting ourselves, with all our imperfections and knowing that we are enough, right now, this very moment. This sparkling courage you are demonstrating here, by sharing your very heart and soul, is what living bravely and authentically is all about. *hugs* And, as we whisper our truth and share our stories, rather than those imposed on us by other people and their 'expectations', we WILL find that we are NOT alone.... that there are others who share our deepest longings.
    These words today spoke so very deeply to my soul... those words could so easily have been mine.
    As you cut yourself free from all that has tied you down in the past, you will take flight into all your hopes and dreams, dear ones. And I will certainly be here flying with you... for your deepest yearnings are mine also.
    Much love and many blessings, sweet one.
    xxxx

    ReplyDelete

Hey! Thanks for leaving a message. I read and appreciate every one :)