10.25.2011

a confession...


I have a confession to make. And while I've hinted at it on and off a few times over the past few month, I feel that I need to be totally honest. The past few months have been incredibly difficult for me. I got hit wit ha serious bout of the blues. I have a long, long history of depression, it comes and it goes, and it's just one of those things.

One of the reasons I started this blog, way back in January 2010 was that I was once again in a very dark place, and thought that blogging might help me find a way out of it. And I was amazed at how therapeutic I found it. I fought hard, and clawed my way back to a brighter place.

Then this June/July, I started to notice that my mood was dipping low again. I tried to take extra special care of myself, eased off on some of the pressures that I had placed on myself - being a full time mum, homeschooling, blogging, crafting, running a house, an etsy shop.... my life was pretty crazy. I found myself hiding away, not talking to friends - IRL and online. I convinced myself that no-one would miss me if I wasn't online, if I didn't blog, etc. I fell deeper and deeper into that dark pit.

I mentioned here and there that I was feeling a little blue - but TBH I was pretty close to rock bottom. Some days it was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. Asides from caring for my kiddos, I lost interest in everything else. Somehow I managed to make myself keep on blogging. I  knew how hard I've worked on this little space o'mine, and I didn't want to see it disappear.

I really thought at the worst that I could take no-more. And I was ashamed. Ashamed because people were so kind last year, when I was totally lost and in need of a helping hand, people stepped out to help. And I felt bad, that less than a year on, I was back where I started. So, I kept to myself, and tried not to talk about it. Tried to pretend that everything was ok. But that never helps.
I admitted defeat and went back on my meds. I think it is stronger to accept that you need help, than to pretend that you don't. And thankfully now, the darkness has lifted. I can see clearly once again, and I feel like I am 'me' again. To all of you who have stuck around (all summer - not just through this ramble ;p ) THANKYOU. 

The down time has given me time to think, and I realised that I was putting to much pressure on myself. I was trying to compete, trying to be someone other than me. Trying to do everything, trying to do what  It though I should do, NOT what  I want to do. I'm in the process of changing my priorities. Only doing the things that I love. Following my own path.

I'm not sure if that made much sense, it was free-written, honest and from the heart. And un-edited. I guess I wanted to come clean, explain why I've been awol the last couple of months and say that full service will now be resumed ;p

13 comments:

  1. Polly, no one thinks less of you for having down time... it's allowed, honest. I think you are amazing to keep up with everything that you do and even more amazing for recognising that sometimes you push yourself too hard. Well done you xxxxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh honey, I know too well where you're coming from. I'm currently on the down hill slope myself again, struggling to stay off the meds that I've been on for a year and a half. I'm throwing myself into life on-line (really trying to promote my stuff atm) hoping that some success and appreciation will lift me.
    It sounds as if blogging has helped you stay buoyant to an extent. You've certainly done a good job of covering it up as I had no idea you were so blue again. You should have emailed you naughty girl ;) I don't think it's defeatist to go back onto meds. It shows strength as you've taken control of the depression rather than allowing it to control you. The only reason I came off mine was because I kept forgetting them and the constant mini withdrawals had me all over the place and to be perfectly honest I reckon I'll be back on them before Christmas.

    Lots of love to you Polly, you amazing lady.

    Talie xxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good for you mama. Look after yourself and your family and everything else will fall into place (that's what I'm going with anyway!) xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. love your honesty. I've battled depression for over 10 years now and I understand exactly what you're saying and where you're coming from. Sometimes it feels as if nobody in the world could understand - but the truth is, I think there are a lot of understanding and supportive people out there. Good for you for realizing you couldn't do it on your own and getting back on medications. That's a very brave move!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you for being honest, sweet friend. I think we all go through dark times and most of us are too prideful to admit it. I know I've been in that place and it's TOUGH. Praying for you and hoping your on the sunny side for a long time now. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. very true feelings and words spoken so elequently and honestly, I have been there too and I think you do an amazing job at your blog and you inspire me with all sorts of things I read on here, be kind to yourself x

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sending love and thoughts too you sweetie. Even if it doesn't make anything better, I think I know how you feel and you are not alone. Take care of you. Love K

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Polly!
    Is first time I read your blog and reading your story I felt sorry for you! I also spent a similar period -recent saying true- and I know what is depression, I no had  enthusiasm to do anything, I was often sad...
    But the light is back and also smile on my face!
    Then I wish you all good and luck! Stay up and take care of you!

    Sara.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi Polly, I have had depression on and off since my first baby was born 22 years ago. I have recently stopped taking my ante-depressants (in July, I have been on them since March 2009), and I am hoping I will be ok without them. It is very brave to talk about it, I know only too well how paranoid you can feel about confessing. Even my own family (extended) had very little idea how bad I felt some days.  I have found that having something for myself helps, something non profit, in any way except my own enjoyment, I hope you have time for that in your life. While its true your children help you get through the day (you keep going on with the mundane and essential for their sake), they can suck the life right out of you too. A bit on me time recharges the batteries.
    Wishing you much health and happiness.
    V
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sweetie, I'm so glad you were honest with all of us. 

    I hope you know that I'm always around in some way if you need a listening ear or a virtual hug. Despite any feelings of loneliness you might have, you have lots of friends who really care about you & are here for you [I'm one of them]. Being AWOL is perfectly ok when you are taking care of yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Lovely post. Blogging is fantastic as a positive focus but sometimes it's disingenuous to say things are always perfect. Warmest wishes to you and your path ahead!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm so glad you are starting to feel better again.  You are an amazing strong woman.  It takes a lot more courage to admit you need help and accept it than to just try and muddle on.  Your girls have got a fantastic role model in you.

    Take care

    Michelle

    ReplyDelete

Hey! Thanks for leaving a message. I read and appreciate every one :)