a little bit blah

I've been feeling pretty blue this week, well to be honest it's be lingering on the edges for a few weeks now, but I've managed to keep it at bay.

Since the weekend tho, my moods taken a turn for the worse. I'm not going to make a big thing of it on here, I want this place to be happy and cheerful, and you don't need to be bothered with my melancholy :)

We've had a quiet week since Christmas, caught up with a few friends, done lots of shopping in the sales (must take some pics to post!) and played with our Christmas gifts. I'm trying to get the house back into order, ready for normality to return next week. What I really feel like doing is hiding in my bed for the foreseeable future! Unfortunately that isn't an option, so instead I'm trying to keep going, and ignore the gremlins that are shouting at me very loudly.

I know the things I should be doing when I'm feeling sad, I even made a list. But I'm lacking any motivation to actually do these things :/ I started a painting the other day, but that feels a bit pointless. I have a pile of fabric and ideas waiting for me to get the sewing machine out. I have lists of things to do. I need a kick up the butt to get myself moving again! 

I know my moods cycle through lows and highs... the highs have been here for a long time, and I was kinda hoping they were here to stay. I've weathered this storm a thousand times before, and I'm sure I'll make it through again. Just in need of lots of TLC and some good friends.

I'm loving this little girls curls :D

Baya likes to sit on the table when the big girls are doing things!

 

Lola's been enjoying practicing her photography skills too!

In need of some TLC

I'm tired and feeling a tad blue this evening. I'm realsing the last few weeks, that when I get tired and run down I my emotions run wild. I start to feel those old feelings again, of not being good enough etc... I know that it's not real, and is simply becasue I'm run down.

I have so many things that I want to do. So many things  to try and squeeze into my days. The little one usually gets me up anywhere between half5 and 7 in a morning, then we're on the go constantly until they all go to bed btween 8 and 9 at night, I fall into my bed somewhere around 11 and usually get woken up at least once a night. I'm dreaming of the day when I can have a full nights sleep!

The last week I have done so much, as well as our normal family things, projects the girls are working on, reading, game playing, nature walks, meets with friends, I've been sewing like a demon. My head is full of ideas and I have a tendancy to get carried away once I start!!! I've made 8 tops and 5 bags this week - crazy ideas of selling them, either online or at craft shows, I don't know yet. I will post some pics later in the week and you can tell me what you think of them!

And last night, instead of the early night I'd planned, a flash of inspiration came and I painted the night away. I've had half an idea floating around my mind for couple of weeks, and last night it came to fruitation. Apologies for the rubbish photo - I took a few nad realised they were all terible but honestly don't have the energy to go take any more!

Tonight the girls are tired, so I'm going to get them to bed early(ish) and have a soak in a hot bath followed by an early night. Promise!

Tomorrow night I'm going to a knitting group organised by a girl I know./ Leaving Daddy in charge of bedtime for the first time (!) and going out on my own at night! Truthfully I'm a little nervous.... but I'm sure it will be fine.

the power of a kind word

{ source }

After last weeks minor blip when I felt really blue, and my gremlins were shouting very loudly, I've been making extra effort to be kind to myself. To speak kindly to myself, to not compare myself with others, to not put crazy expectations on myself.

It's not easy to do all of that some days. I've found myself surfing late at night or early in the morning, looking through blogs and etsy shops.... and comparing myself. Comparing myself unfavourably.

"Why can't I do ...."

"Why am I not that good at..."

"Why don't I get that much done"

"I wish I was her instead of me..."

I'm trying to put a stop to that, harnessing the power of  a kind word, spoken deep in my soul. No more comparing myself.

Asking why I don't get as much done (creatively) as someone who has no children.... 

Asking why I'm not as good at something as someone who's been doing it for years not months....

Wishing to be someone else when I AM ENOUGH

Changing the words of my heart

Being proud of what I HAVE achieved

Seeing how much progress I've made in just  a few months

Celebrating what I do get done in a day (with 3 small children to look after too)

Being content to just be me

What are you doing to harness the power of a kind word?

tonight

Tonight I'm not feeling so good. I've had a good day, no a GREAT day... the girls and I have had tonnes of fun, we've crafted and read and baked and played in the woods. It truly was a perfect day.

These feelings started late afternoon and now I feel pretty darn crap. My gremlins are very active, whispering, no make that shouting in my head.

"You're not pretty enough"
"You're not clever enough"

"You're not funny enough"

"You're art isn't good enough"

"You are just not anything enough"

The tears are falling now I'm writing these words. I've held them in all evening, and put on a smiley face for the girls. Nothing happened to make me feel this way... it just came on. I'm tired and emotional and not feeling strong enough to ignore the gremlins tonight. Right now, I believe them.

I feel like destroying all my canvas, deleting every thing online, digging a hole and hiding in it. I know that will do me no good but it is very tempting. 

I don't know why I'm even bothering. I'm feeling lonely and disconnected. I feel like giving up.

Maybe it's just tiredness, maybe it's hormones. I just wish it'd bugger off now please. 

I don't feel like I have anything to give, anything of worth. Why am I even trying?

Those darn Gremlins

My gremlins have  been very vocal for the last few days. They're this nagging voice inside my head. Always there, sometimes louder than others. Here's a few of the things they're telling me right now:

• Depression is always going to have a hold on you
• You're just not good enough
• The people you're connecting with just don't really care
• Everyone else is better than you
• You never finish anything
• No one will want to buy your art anyway, so why are you painting?
• Nothing is ever going to change
• You'll never have the life you dream of so why even try

I've been working hard on ignoring them. Acknowledging them, writing them down and then kindly telling them to fuck off now please.

In the past I've always taken what my gremlins have told me as gospel. Taken every word to heart and let them call the shots. But no longer.

Most of the time I feel like an impostor... that I'm not really an artist, not really a good mother, not really a good person ...... I feel like everyone else is far more confident and competent than I, and that any minute I'm going to be found out and exposed as an fraud.....

I know deep down that none of this is true. Everyone feels this way sometimes, and others don't see me the way I see myself.

Also, my gremlins are shouting louder now because they know that I'm onto them. I'm following my heart and creating and connecting and LIVING. No longer am I living in their shadow, and they are afraid, they can see that they are losing their power.

I'm painting and creating more than ever, and loving every minute of it. I'm putting myself out here, connecting and making new friends, online and IRL. I'm in the process of setting up my very own website (more on that soon). No longer am I sitting back and letting life pass me by, I am a part of it now.

“We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?…Your playing small does not serve the world.” Marianne Williamson