follow your heart >>>>>

while today i'm living the life that i always dreamed of, up until a few years ago I was still trying to please others and do 'what i should' not what i wanted. i suffered from bout after bout of depression, until i finally realised the mistake that i was making.

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i'd spent my life trying to fit in, to be what i thought i should be, and often something different for each perosn i knew. that was a surefire recipe for disaster.

we only have one life, one chance to live our dreams and make ourselves happy. when a good friend told me to stop and think, hard, about what I wanted from this life, and to follow my dreams no matter how impossible they seem. i took her advice and realised what it was that made me happy - i started blogging, started putting myself out there, i set up an etsy shop, and {tried} to stop worrying what others thought about me. 

after a few months, i no longer had to try -  following my heart and being proud to be myself started to come naturally. today my life is a far cry from what it once was. i'll admit there are the odd times i doubt myself, but i can look back on all i have achieved in the past couple of years and just how far i have come.

three steps to get you started:

one sit down and write down all the things you'd like to do, how you'd like your life to be and how you want to spend your days

two make an action plan of how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be {remember - babysteps}

three believe in yourself - this is the most important - you have to truly believe that you can do it, otherwise anything you attempt will only be half-hearted

and don't forget:

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what do you choose?

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it's a lesson that took me a long time to learn. as colette said,  "be happy. it's one way of being wise." some of us may be born smiling, others of us have to work at it. choose it. every. single. day.

caught in a spiral of depression, it's easy to lose sight of happiness. you get stuck in your mind and caught in your own issues. you feel bad, so you think bad thoughts, which in turn make you feel worse. the thought of choosing to be happy at such a time can seem cuh-razy! thoughts become feelings and choosing happy thoughts is an option. 

the media tells us that we need things to be happy, that we have to have this or that, or go here or there, else we couldn't possibly be happy. we need to look like this, or own the latest gadget to be content. but in truth that is all rubbish. start today, make a decision to be happy. to be grateful for all that you have. to appreciate every single moment. 

i've worked my way back up from rock bottom {more than once} and i make a conscious decision every day to choose happiness. there are times when it's harder than others but it is always an option. i choose to focus on the good in my life instead of the bad. to be grateful for all that i have instead of yearning for what i don't.

* make a list of wonderful things about your life. add to it every day.

* every morning when you wake up tell yourself you are happy

* give thanks for every day

* smile

* focus on the good things

it might be difficult to begin with.... but i promise you that it's worth it. have you chosen happiness??  

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self love

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good morning lovelies! I saw this beautiful quote on pinterest late last night and wanted to share it on here. one of the things on my 100 things to do this year list is to practice self love. be kind to myself, appreciate my body just the way it is, to accept myself for being me.

today we're back to our 'normal life' - i.e homeschool, kiddos groups, work, etc! it's been a fun month of holiday fun, and last week we eased ourselves back into it with a little work. but the time has come to pick things back up! the kiddos are just getting dressed, then we have some work to do and a few errands to run today before miss kiki goes to rainbows later on.

happy monday!

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List 25: Ways to Pick Yourself Up

• Don't only see the negatives when you look in the mirror.

• Do things you like and surround yourself with people you love.

• Try something new.

• Take a trip to the bookshop, look at the self-help section and pick one that appeals to you.

•   Start a gratitude journal. Write in it every day, and include beautiful images, inspirational quotes and ideas.

• Talk to someone about how you feel.

•  Be your own rock. Don't cling to someone else.

• Be brave. 

• Be positive. Dont' be the person who's always complaining.

In need of some TLC

I'm tired and feeling a tad blue this evening. I'm realsing the last few weeks, that when I get tired and run down I my emotions run wild. I start to feel those old feelings again, of not being good enough etc... I know that it's not real, and is simply becasue I'm run down.

I have so many things that I want to do. So many things  to try and squeeze into my days. The little one usually gets me up anywhere between half5 and 7 in a morning, then we're on the go constantly until they all go to bed btween 8 and 9 at night, I fall into my bed somewhere around 11 and usually get woken up at least once a night. I'm dreaming of the day when I can have a full nights sleep!

The last week I have done so much, as well as our normal family things, projects the girls are working on, reading, game playing, nature walks, meets with friends, I've been sewing like a demon. My head is full of ideas and I have a tendancy to get carried away once I start!!! I've made 8 tops and 5 bags this week - crazy ideas of selling them, either online or at craft shows, I don't know yet. I will post some pics later in the week and you can tell me what you think of them!

And last night, instead of the early night I'd planned, a flash of inspiration came and I painted the night away. I've had half an idea floating around my mind for couple of weeks, and last night it came to fruitation. Apologies for the rubbish photo - I took a few nad realised they were all terible but honestly don't have the energy to go take any more!

Tonight the girls are tired, so I'm going to get them to bed early(ish) and have a soak in a hot bath followed by an early night. Promise!

Tomorrow night I'm going to a knitting group organised by a girl I know./ Leaving Daddy in charge of bedtime for the first time (!) and going out on my own at night! Truthfully I'm a little nervous.... but I'm sure it will be fine.

Love Yourself Jar and some crafting

Inspired yesterday by Megan at If I Were A Rainbow, I'd Be Chocolate, I made myself a 'Love Yourself Jar'.

 

I wrote things to do on lollypop sticks, and each day I'll pick one out and do it!!

And then I decided to make a similar one for the girls - full of things to do for those time's they're saying 'I dont' know what to do'!!!

While I was at it, I covered some old tins to make pretty new homes for my paintbrushes and pens...

 

The girls had fun with some old plain t-shirts and some fabric pens

Sick and Tired

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I'm sick. Again. 10 days ago I had a nasty cold, and a chesty cough. It kinda went away but not entirely. Yesterday I woke up feeling pretty yucky. This morning I'm still feeling the same. I have no voice. I feel exhausted and run down. My body needs to rest and I need to learn to listen to it. I get sick but I have so much to do that I don't stop and rest. I keep going. Keep pushing myself until I collapse. In the last 2 years, the 3 times I've gotten sick, it's ended up with bad chest infections (twice) and pleurisy (once). I'm not good at admitting that I need rest. That I need help. With 3 children to look after, and home school, a house to run, cleaning, cooking, washing, a million and one activities to go to, blogging, painting etc... I don't have the time to just stop and rest. There isn't really anyone who can take over or step in for a day or two when I'm ill. 

I've been neglecting myself. So focused on all I 'have' to achieve everyday, that I don't have the time to take care of myself. Remember one of my 52 lists on self care? Well I have to admit I haven't been following it. I might have stopped drinking and smoking, I dont' starve myself or binge and purge anymore.... BUT I'm still abusing my body in other ways. I don't fuel it with nourishing foods, I don't give it time to rest or exercise it.

I stay up late working, but with a baby who gets me up around 6am everyday, I really need to get some early nights, as this lack of sleep is clearly making me ill. I need to exercise, and to eat healthily. That last one is the trickiest though. I'm an all or nothing girl. My brain seems to still be hot wired into old ways of thinking left over from my eating disorder days. I start off by just trying to eat healthily, no sugars etc but my brain doesn't stop there and before I know it I'm eating nothing. Zero. Zilch. I don't know how to eat healthily and sensibly. I don't know how to restrict the unhealthy foods without restricting everything. 

I need someway of finding a balance... of being able to cut out certain foods. To learn to nourish my body with the things that it needs.

For today, I am stopping and resting. My husband is home, so in theory there is someone else to keep an eye on the children. I'm going to snuggle on the sofa and do absolutely nothing!!!

Living Life Your Way.... Interview with Jenn Gibson

I've been working hard the last few months at overcoming my fears and following my dreams. So I'm running a series of interview with inspiring people to see what part fear has played in their life and how they've overcome it to live life their way...

This weeks interview is with Jenn Gibson from Kind Over Matter

*Hi Jenn, tell us a little about yourself.

I'm a photographer and writer, and one-half of the duo that created Kind Over Matter. I like to paint words on rocks and then tell stories of what those words mean to me. I'm a lacto-vegetarian with a healthy obsession for Mexican food and I will never give up cheese, quite possibly because of that. I steal snuggles from Bean the Boy Kitten. Daily parts of my life are paper journaling, talking to my dear sweet momma and sky-gazing. The beach owns me, lock-stock-and-barrel. I'm happier right now than I've ever been before and every day I give thanks for it all.

*What is the inspiration behind Kind Over Matter?

Amanda and I started Kind Over Matter almost two years ago, she had made some printable kind cards for her Etsy shop and sent me a few. We got to talking and decided to make a group on Flickr, to pool all of the photos, then we decided to make a blog. The rest, as they say, is history.

The core of Kind Over Matter is rooted deeply in celebrating the everyday type of kindness, the things that most people don’t actively notice but that make a difference – holding the door open for someone, offering a smile, engaging someone in a quiet kind of conversation, letting them be heard. So often that can make all the difference in someone’s day, I know it has in mine.

*Aside from Kind Over Matter what else do you do?

Mmm, lots of things! I love to make videos and take photos. I’m gathering ideas for my next video and so excited to share it with everyone. I dusted off my blog and have started writing again, sharing my thoughts and parts of my journey, I’ve missed writing so much, it feels amazing to get back to it. I love roadtripping – over the summer I went out to Tennessee and visited my Sister Sara -- so fun! But all of that aside, the main thing I’m doing right now is trying to find balance and I’ve been lucky enough to work with an awesome life coach, Danette has been such a blessing through this discovery period. She’s just the best.

*When you have faced difficulties, what has been your inspiration to keep going?

Sometimes the only thing that kept me going was the deep-seated belief that tomorrow would be better. Trusting in that and living inside each moment as best as I can, those help when things get tough.

*All of us have our fears, some rule stronger than others. What part has fear played in your life?

Fear has played a huge part in my life. I’ve lived with anxiety since I was 7 and for a very long time it controlled me, it designated where (and if) I went, how long I stayed, what I ate. My dad died when I was 21, for months after that I wouldn’t leave the house, with the sole exception of going to work, if that. I was terrified that something would happen to my family, I needed to be there to take care of them, I had to be there. Breaking out of that frame of mind was so hard and I’m so thankful that I was working with a grief counselor through that period, she was so gentle and careful with me. I was fragile, I was broken and had no idea how to fix things. Until one day, I wanted to drive up to this place outside Baltimore, there were waterfalls and I’d always gone there for a spot of peace. At that time I was living an hour away, so you can imagine how enormous even the thought of doing that was. But I got in my car, shaking and crying the whole way. I got there, stayed for a few minutes and then turned around and went home. I was terrified. I was proud of myself. My first victory, but not my last.

Each victory has been celebrated, each moment held dear.

And because I shared all of that, the beginning and middle, I want to share, not the end, but the present, where things are now. Two years ago I did cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT. You see, I get the most wonderful cases of wanderlust and I sometimes need to drive places, far places, to see what’s out there, to experience life somewhere else, for a day or a week. That’s such a fundamental part of who I am. But, I wanted to go other places, overseas, and that required me getting on a plane. Which I’d never done. Which scared me to pieces. I would not get on a plane, even driving to an airport would cause really high levels of anxiety. I wanted this to change, though, I wanted to not live in fear anymore. So I did CBT and things were rolling along merrily, I made tentative plans to fly somewhere, but then I was told I was going to San Diego, for work. I’d have to fly across the country. I was terrified. I was thrilled. I was ready. The picture up at the top of this post, I took this when I was at the Pacific Ocean. This photo shows you how hard I’ve worked for the past 25 years on living with and overcoming anxiety. This photo is my triumph.

*What advice would you offer on following your heart and living your dreams?

The same thing I tell myself : Be brave, be fearless. We’re only here for a short time, go all out, live without regrets. If you fail, try again, and then try again.

*What do you think are the three most important things you need to lead a happy and radiant life?

Oh wow, hard to whittle it down to just three. I’d have to say, for me, those three things are eating really amazing tasty food, honoring my Truths and Values and creating things, anything. Those are the most important.

*Where can we connect with you?

You can find me writing at This Messy Life and Kind Over Matter, on Twitter and Facebook, and Flickr and Vimeo.

Stop over and say hi, I’d love to meet you!

Those darn Gremlins

My gremlins have  been very vocal for the last few days. They're this nagging voice inside my head. Always there, sometimes louder than others. Here's a few of the things they're telling me right now:

• Depression is always going to have a hold on you
• You're just not good enough
• The people you're connecting with just don't really care
• Everyone else is better than you
• You never finish anything
• No one will want to buy your art anyway, so why are you painting?
• Nothing is ever going to change
• You'll never have the life you dream of so why even try

I've been working hard on ignoring them. Acknowledging them, writing them down and then kindly telling them to fuck off now please.

In the past I've always taken what my gremlins have told me as gospel. Taken every word to heart and let them call the shots. But no longer.

Most of the time I feel like an impostor... that I'm not really an artist, not really a good mother, not really a good person ...... I feel like everyone else is far more confident and competent than I, and that any minute I'm going to be found out and exposed as an fraud.....

I know deep down that none of this is true. Everyone feels this way sometimes, and others don't see me the way I see myself.

Also, my gremlins are shouting louder now because they know that I'm onto them. I'm following my heart and creating and connecting and LIVING. No longer am I living in their shadow, and they are afraid, they can see that they are losing their power.

I'm painting and creating more than ever, and loving every minute of it. I'm putting myself out here, connecting and making new friends, online and IRL. I'm in the process of setting up my very own website (more on that soon). No longer am I sitting back and letting life pass me by, I am a part of it now.

“We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?…Your playing small does not serve the world.” Marianne Williamson

Letting go

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For as long as I can remember, I have lived with depression. I have spent years hating myself and wishing I was dead. I have lived in a constant state of depression and hopelessness. I have been full of self doubt, and negative talk. I am my own worst enemy, constantly putting myself down, not taking care of myself, choosing to believe those negative thoughts swirling round in my mind.

I've been waiting for some miracle cure, a magic spell to rid me of these feelings. I have hoped that someone, anyone would come along and make everything OK. I haven't allowed myself to work through the reasons behind these feelings. I haven't allowed them to be important. Instead, I've created the truth in my head that these things have happened because I'm depressed, because I'm a bad person, because I deserved them. I'm slowly starting to accept that that isn't the truth. That I am depressed because of the things that have happened in my life.And that to rid myself of the depression then I have to acknowledge their importance.. and confront them face on so that I can put them to rest.

When we are born, happiness is an innate quality that we possess. Unfortunately, as we grow and are exposed to negativity, violence, suffering and sadness, the happiness that once we took for granted leaves us. Happiness is a skill that we have to practice, to work on. It won't just reappear, we have to actively seek it out and invite it back into our lives.

• Letting  go of depression

It's easy to get stuck in a pattern of behaviours, feelings and emotions. To some extent, we make the decision to be depressed. Safe in what we have always known, we hold on to our depression, afraid to make the changes necessary to move on.

Have you wondered why people who complain, all of the time, about how bad everything in their life is, yet make no effort to change things? They are thriving on their self-pity, and inviting others to reaffirm it to them.

I've been doing lots of thinking lately, and have started being truthful with myself. One of my biggest obstacles to being happy is myself. I have grown comfortable with my depression, it's almost like a safety net, a get out clause for me.... oh I can't do that I'm too depressed... It is the only way I have ever known how to be. I'm afraid of happiness, because it's unfamiliar to me.

• Removing Negativity and Introducing Positivity

If you're trying to move away from depression, the last thing you need is to be surrounded by negative people. They drain your energy, waste your time and reaffirm your old habits and thoughts. Cut your ties with people who don't make you feel good, see less of them, or change the subject every time they start complaining! There are a few people in my life who fit this perfectly. They spend their time complaining about how hard everything is, etc etc... they hint at changing but when it comes to it they don't. They are not healthy relationships for me right now, so whilst it's difficult to cut ties entirely, I am cutting down on how much time I spend with them.

Whilst cutting out negativity from your life, it's also important to surround yourself with positivity, be it images, people or what you are reading. Positivity creates more positivity.

There are times when I can feel myself slipping back into negativity and depression. In the past I would allow those feelings to overwhelm me, to give in entirely to them. But now I am learning how to stamp them out, by listening to uplifting music, or reading books/articles online that encourage positive thinking, by painting/crafting, by reaching out to a friend.... things that make me feel good.

• Confront your demons

To overcome depression, it is vital that you confront the negative things in your life in order to be able to accept them and let them go. For years and years I have done everything possible to avoid having to deal with anything. I've turned to drink and drugs to block things out, restricted my eating or overate, self-harmed... all ways of trying to ignore my feelings. I am slowly starting to confront my past. I'm waiting to see a counselor... but in the meantime I've been writing it down in my journal, and writing it all down... every last little thing. Sometimes I feel as if my heart is going to burst out of my chest, my head starts spinning and terror threatens to take over. When this happens, I slow my breathign down, close my eyes and go inside myself. I repeat to myself that everything is going to be fine, that it's ok to let go of my old ways.

The old self will fight and scream and kick to be allowed to keep on living... you have to fight back and not give in to it. Let it go.

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• Allow yourself to be alone

Sometimes I'm scared to be alone, scared that the depression will overwhelm me again. It's all too easy to cling to other poeple, to hope that they will create your happiness. While having friends is very important, and others can help you on your path, ulitmeatly it is only YOU who can create your own happiness.

Allow myself time alone, time to write or paint or think or just be. Become aware of yourself, of who you really are, what you think, what you feel. Turn your self-pity into compassion, and then into love. Love for yourself, and love for living. Seperating the lies from the truth, and becoming aware of just how powerful you can be.

• Know you are loved

 Yes there are many cruel humans about, but there are also tons of good people too. Open your eyes and you will see them. Let go of the poeple who have hurt you in the past, they are not important. The people who matter are the ones who see the bueaty in everything.... they are the importnat ones. 

You are loved. Life is short. Don't waste time worrying over what may be, or what has been. You can't change the past, but by accepting it and letting yourself move on, you can change your future.

Monday Meditations

a meditation to guide me this week.....

Relax, close your eyes and go inside yourself. Slow your breathing down, and feel yourself melting into the floor.

Imagine that you're walking down a beautiful path. A storm is clearing and there is a rainbow in front of you. You stand underneath it and feel it's warm, bright light filling you with joy.

You are connected to all life. You are a rainbow too.

"You are strong and safe.

You are happy and playful.

You are proud and confident.

You are kind and caring.

You are honest and truthful.

You are clever and creative.

You are a good friend."

Monday Meditations

a meditation to guide me this week... 

 Make yourself comfortable and relax. Close your eyes and go inside yourself. Breathe and know that all is well.... repeat softly (or silently) to yourself:

"May I be safe and loved.

May I be happy and healthy.

May I be kind and caring.

May I know that all is well."

List 8: Self Care Habits

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Autumn is in the air, and I can hear it calling me to nurture my mind, body and soul.

• drink lots of water
• daily hooping sessions
• simple, whole foods. No dairy, no white bread. Just lots of fruit, veg and whole grains
• daily painting/crafting time 
• lots of fresh air
• yoga
• listen to my body
• early nights
• make and use those affirmation cards that are on my list