These feelings started late afternoon and now I feel pretty darn crap. My gremlins are very active, whispering, no make that shouting in my head.
"You're not pretty enough"
"You're not clever enough"
"You're not clever enough"
"You're not funny enough"
"You're art isn't good enough"
"You are just not anything enough"
The tears are falling now I'm writing these words. I've held them in all evening, and put on a smiley face for the girls. Nothing happened to make me feel this way... it just came on. I'm tired and emotional and not feeling strong enough to ignore the gremlins tonight. Right now, I believe them.
I feel like destroying all my canvas, deleting every thing online, digging a hole and hiding in it. I know that will do me no good but it is very tempting.
I don't know why I'm even bothering. I'm feeling lonely and disconnected. I feel like giving up.
Maybe it's just tiredness, maybe it's hormones. I just wish it'd bugger off now please.
I don't feel like I have anything to give, anything of worth. Why am I even trying?
Don't give up, it's ok to feel bad sometimes. Have a good old cry and a long hot bath xxx
ReplyDeleteYou know, I checked out your etsy shop and I think your paintings are wonderful. You know what MY inner voice said? "Why can't I paint like that?" Now see. Isn't it funny how no matter what we just beat ourselves up. I do the same thing. I was reading Wayne Dyer earlier today about the importance of tuning ourselves in to a higher vibrational frequency to overcome these thoughts which are at a very slow frequency and usually end up with us getting something back at a slow frequency. I hope that makes sense, lol.
ReplyDeleteI agree your work is gorgeous x we all get days like this . I tend to have a hot bath and really revel in an early night taking my book and my craft and get into bed x always does the trick x
ReplyDeleteYou art is beautiful Polly. YOU are beautiful Polly. I want you to know you have friends, all over the world who cherish your friendship, your words, your authenticity. Being strong can be SO hard but remember that advice that helped you so much; only YOU can change your life. And you CAN do it. You are amazing and I want you to know that I LOVE everything I know about you.
ReplyDeleteYou are pretty enough.
You are clever enough.
You are funny enough.
Your art is good enough. In fact, it's amazing.
You are everything and more.
I struggle with all of this as well. I feel your pain. But your soul shines so brightly, sweet lady. Please don't give up. Kick those gremlins to the curb. Don't let them have such power over you. YOU are in control.
Sweet, sweet dreams.
Much love,
Debbie
I read your post earlier and wanted to comment but I had to wait until the kids went to bed because when they are up I can not seem to finish a thought!!! LOL!!
ReplyDeleteI was checking out your tweets and your blog this morning and thinking to myself- How does she get this all done with children? How does she find time to make all this beautiful art? Why can't I be more like her!!!
Then I had to refer to my "positivity/vision" board. I have two pieces of paper, scribbled on with sharpie, that say- I WILL NOT COMPARE MYSELF TO OTHERS and DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. I am who I am and I do what I can do when I can do it and that is ok. I really don't know you that well yet but from what I know- you are a fabulous, creative, caring artistic women.
Give yourself permission to sit on the pity pot briefly then get the hell off that thing!!!
Peace, Love and Light- Kelly
Thank you soooo much for all your comments. I wan't going to post last night, but knew I needed to write it out and here seemed like the best place. I ended up going to bed early to sleep it off.
ReplyDeleteNow it's a fresh day and I can put last night behind me. Sometimes I still panic when I have a blip that the depression is coming back to stay.
@Debbie - thanks for your sweet words. And you're right - I am in control of my gremlins.
@Kelly - my main vice is comparing myself with others, then I fell bad that I'm not 'as good' as they are, or don't get as much done, or haven't achieved as much. Sigh... think I will make myself a note like your's 'I WILL NOT COMPARE MYSELF WITH OTHERS'
xoxox
Thank you soooo much for all your comments. I wan't going to post last night, but knew I needed to write it out and here seemed like the best place. I ended up going to bed early to sleep it off.
ReplyDeleteNow it's a fresh day and I can put last night behind me. Sometimes I still panic when I have a blip that the depression is coming back to stay.
@Debbie - thanks for your sweet words. And you're right - I am in control of my gremlins.
@Kelly - my main vice is comparing myself with others, then I fell bad that I'm not 'as good' as they are, or don't get as much done, or haven't achieved as much. Sigh... think I will make myself a note like your's 'I WILL NOT COMPARE MYSELF WITH OTHERS'
xoxox
You art is beautiful Polly. YOU are beautiful Polly. I want you to know you have friends, all over the world who cherish your friendship, your words, your authenticity. Being strong can be SO hard but remember that advice that helped you so much; only YOU can change your life. And you CAN do it. You are amazing and I want you to know that I LOVE everything I know about you.
ReplyDeleteYou are pretty enough.
You are clever enough.
You are funny enough.
Your art is good enough. In fact, it's amazing.
You are everything and more.
I struggle with all of this as well. I feel your pain. But your soul shines so brightly, sweet lady. Please don't give up. Kick those gremlins to the curb. Don't let them have such power over you. YOU are in control.
Sweet, sweet dreams.
Much love,
Debbie