When I'm crippled with depression, I sit and look at all some people seem to achieve. They create, and connect, and live and truly seem to embrace life and all that it has to offer. Whereas I am sat, alone in my cave, unable to reach out, unable to be apart of the world.
And I am jealous. I want to be like everyone else. I want to do something. I do not want life to pass me by. I do not want to be an observer.
I want to take part. I want to be involved. I want to make an impact.
I've overcome the worst of my depression this time. And for the first time, I know that I have to make huge changes in my life if I don't want to keep having repeat bouts of depression.
I've trying to overcome my fear of not being good enough, of not having anything to give, of not being important enough, of not being pretty enough...... I think you get the picture.
So, I'm taking part. I'm no longer sitting at home watching the world pass by my window. I'm writing here for a start, I'm painting and creating... and being brave enough to put the photos of it online... I'm connecting with people, in real life as well as here, on facebook, on twitter and on email.
I'm being pro active... I'm putting myself out there, and trying to create the life I dream of. I'm working hard to make it a reality.
BUT... still those niggling fears and doubts plague my mind from time to time. I'm trying to accept that they'll always be there, trying to find a way to ignore them.
"why are you bothering to blog... they're is so many better bloggers than you already"
"you're paintings aren't as good as theirs"
"you're not as interesting as them"
"it'll never work anyway"
"they don't really like you"
"you're just not good enough"
Sometimes, when thoughts are racing through my brain, it all seems to much. I start thinking maybe those thoughts are right. Who am I trying to fool? I'm never going to change anything, and I'll never amount to anything. I should just give up and go back to hiding in my hole.
But I'm still here... and I'm fighting. I refuse to give in to my fears. I'm trying not to think about things to much, trying to look at the bigger picture. Remembering that I'm doing all of this for ME... nobody else.
Screw you fear... you will not win this battle.