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When I'm crippled with depression, I sit and look at all some people seem to achieve. They create, and connect, and live and truly seem to embrace life and all that it has to offer. Whereas I am sat, alone in my cave, unable to reach out, unable to be apart of the world.
And I am jealous. I want to be like everyone else. I want to do something. I do not want life to pass me by. I do not want to be an observer.
I want to take part. I want to be involved. I want to make an impact.
I've overcome the worst of my depression this time. And for the first time, I know that I have to make huge changes in my life if I don't want to keep having repeat bouts of depression.
I've trying to overcome my fear of not being good enough, of not having anything to give, of not being important enough, of not being pretty enough...... I think you get the picture.
So, I'm taking part. I'm no longer sitting at home watching the world pass by my window. I'm writing here for a start, I'm painting and creating... and being brave enough to put the photos of it online... I'm connecting with people, in real life as well as here, on facebook, on twitter and on email.
I'm being pro active... I'm putting myself out there, and trying to create the life I dream of. I'm working hard to make it a reality.
BUT... still those niggling fears and doubts plague my mind from time to time. I'm trying to accept that they'll always be there, trying to find a way to ignore them.
"why are you bothering to blog... they're is so many better bloggers than you already"
"you're paintings aren't as good as theirs"
"you're not as interesting as them"
"it'll never work anyway"
"they don't really like you"
"you're just not good enough"
Sometimes, when thoughts are racing through my brain, it all seems to much. I start thinking maybe those thoughts are right. Who am I trying to fool? I'm never going to change anything, and I'll never amount to anything. I should just give up and go back to hiding in my hole.
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But I'm still here... and I'm fighting. I refuse to give in to my fears. I'm trying not to think about things to much, trying to look at the bigger picture. Remembering that I'm doing all of this for ME... nobody else.
Screw you fear... you will not win this battle.
I think by writing this down, you have overcome another part of your fear!
ReplyDeleteGo for it! Paint, create and write and fight your fears.
You are such an inspiration Polly - keep going.
ReplyDeleteAnd what a powerful question 'what would you try if you had no fear?' You've given me something to think about.
Stay strong
xxx
hello, you express yourself beautifully. i feel what you say here, i suffered from depression alot when i was younger.. on and off..
ReplyDeletewhen you said..
"I've overcome the worst of my depression this time. And for the first time, I know that I have to make huge changes in my life if I don't want to keep having repeat bouts of depression."
i remember feeling like this. you're already making those changes.. they come slowly with all the little things you are doing.. positive thoughts and actions.. little by little, these are building and will have a wonderful lasting affect.
"what would you try if you had no fear"
you know, that's a great question, and thinking about it right now.. if it wasnt for my fears there would be so much i wouldn't have tried. they help us to grow, i think, we tend to view fears as being negative, yet they are just another emotion.. we all feel them, at different degrees, whether we admit it or not. they're not pleasant, but, if we were always happy and content, would growth take place.. would we seek change in our lives.. and would we know appreciation and gratitude. sorry i'm rambling a bit here..just thoughts that are coming to mind from reading your post - thankyou, it's good to be reminded of these things. a wee quote springs to mind too..
'i walked a mile with pleasure,she chattered all the way. but left me none the wiser for all she had to say. i walked a mile with sorrow and never a word said she, but oh, the things i learned from her
when sorrow walked with me...'
you'll get there.. that gentle warrior spirit of yours that's shining through, will make sure of it :)
a lovely thought provoking post.
xx
@GreenWhisper.... you're right, I'm trying to view my fears as just another emotiom, to remember that by overcoming them they enable me to grow and to change for the better.
ReplyDeleteANd that quote is beautiful
xox
Hey Honey,
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you're going through as I've been fighting the same battle all of my life.
You know where I am.
Love your blogs and tweets etc, keep it up, you're doing great.
Maybe see you Monday or Wednesday?
(((((hugs)))))
xxx
As many of your posters have said, I've been fighting the battle of BiPolar II all my life - for much of not even knowing.
ReplyDeleteWhen I get depressed it often takes me a few days now to realize I am. I give myself one day to lay in bed and "be sick."
Then I tell myself, it is not real. Then I get up and go about life. I honor the emptiness, the 500 pounds weight on my soul. "Hello Depression," I say. "You are there, but you do not matter."
@Peaceful pandemonium...
ReplyDeleteI have the same diagnosis. I've always embraced my manic times, as I can get out in the world, and get things done. I've had a harder time accepting the depression.
I'm trying to do as you say. Take a day out, and then get up and keep going, being extra kind to myself.
ANd I'm noticing how much my new self care plan is helping my mood.
much love xox
@Polly
ReplyDeleteI knew there was something about you that said "kindred spirit." It has taken me a long time to not be embarrassed by my diagnosis. Like...the last two months? I too am trying to be extra kind to myself. To nurture and love myself like I would my children.
My friends say my Bipolar is like my super-power...it makes me who I am.
Namaste.
you are brave to share this.
ReplyDeletethose self-doubting questions, that run over and over in our minds are certainly thieves of life.
in those dark times it can be near impossible to see how they are just stoires we tell ourselves. that someone out there is simply telling themselves a different story and enjoying life.
all that you're doing is moving you forward. it can be done. i send you tons of strength and self-compassion for your journey.
Whilst my battle has *just* ( yeah right ) been with depression and I haven't had to contend with a bi-polar disorder, I can empathise with you as I tend to get manic phases from my Graves and then crashing depressions when I have to go on immune-suppressants and feel completely unable to cope with anything - and that's on top of the usual depression. Thanks for sharing all of this, it's reassuring to know that you're not the only one and seeing others managing their illnesses so well is always helpful. Inspiring.
ReplyDeletexxx
Polly I think you are well able to reach out :)
ReplyDeleteNothing to fear but fear itself.
Stuart
And rightly so!
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for a time now, and you are always filled with such beautiful things to share!
You are a creature of the Earth and you feel her pain. There is a great disharmony in the world right now, and we are inescapably connected to and effected by this!
You are feeling what the greater of us all are feeling. You are more connected if anything.
So stand strong. Let Mother Earth, let Universe, flow through you, for you are a channel for healing. You are beautiful and strong.
You are capable. Earth wants you to embody this gift, Universe wants you to embody this gift, the world wants you to embody this gift.
You CAN, you DO, you ARE!
<3 <3 <3
SO much Love to you, Earth Mama, Light Warrior!
And thank you so much for sharing!
Polly I think you are well able to reach out :)
ReplyDeleteNothing to fear but fear itself.
Stuart
you are brave to share this.
ReplyDeletethose self-doubting questions, that run over and over in our minds are certainly thieves of life.
in those dark times it can be near impossible to see how they are just stoires we tell ourselves. that someone out there is simply telling themselves a different story and enjoying life.
all that you're doing is moving you forward. it can be done. i send you tons of strength and self-compassion for your journey.