So, Monday I was feeling a little raw. Maybe much of it was imagined, or over-exaggerated in my head. Feeling excluded. Wondering what had been the point of the last few months. It seems that every time I manage to get back on the right path, start taking baby steps away from feeling so low.. .something comes along that makes me doubt it all.
I've spent most of my life shutting everyone out, not letting anyone get too close so that they can't hurt me. I've pushed people away and lost friends rather than risk being hurt. Of course, by pushing them away and losing friends, I've hurt myself anyway.
Anyway, 6 months or so ago, when I was right down there at rock bottom, I 'confessed' all to a couple of people, a few others knew a little of what was going on but not all. They all knew I was crying out for help and in need of some good friends. They all assured me that they were there for me.
Yet actions speak louder than words, and there for me they have not been. On more than one occasion, I have been excluded from gatherings. Later it's been claimed that a text was sent... not one that got to me. It was made out to be me, who had opted not to go, then changed my mind... so not true.
I spent all day Monday fighting against my feelings... feelings of not being good enough, of not being liked, etc. Not new feelings, but ones I've been working hard to suppress and ignore. Trying to ignore the voice in my head telling me there is something wrong with me... same things keep happening over and over and over... it must be my fault, right?
With a couple of days perspective, the lack of invite doesn't hurt so much. It's time to move on, accept that what will be will be, that they are not my tribe.
The truth is I'm a little lonely. Sure, I know a lot of people, but I don't have many close friends. No one who calls me up to see how I am, who drops by for a cuppa, who's just there. I know it's my fault. I've pushed everyone away, kept them at arms length.
What I don't know is how to change that? How to let people in? How to let the people around me know that I'm different now? How to find my tribe??