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So, Monday I was feeling a little raw. Maybe much of it was imagined, or over-exaggerated in my head. Feeling excluded. Wondering what had been the point of the last few months. It seems that every time I manage to get back on the right path, start taking baby steps away from feeling so low.. .something comes along that makes me doubt it all.
I've spent most of my life shutting everyone out, not letting anyone get too close so that they can't hurt me. I've pushed people away and lost friends rather than risk being hurt. Of course, by pushing them away and losing friends, I've hurt myself anyway.
Anyway, 6 months or so ago, when I was right down there at rock bottom, I 'confessed' all to a couple of people, a few others knew a little of what was going on but not all. They all knew I was crying out for help and in need of some good friends. They all assured me that they were there for me.
Yet actions speak louder than words, and there for me they have not been. On more than one occasion, I have been excluded from gatherings. Later it's been claimed that a text was sent... not one that got to me. It was made out to be me, who had opted not to go, then changed my mind... so not true.
I spent all day Monday fighting against my feelings... feelings of not being good enough, of not being liked, etc. Not new feelings, but ones I've been working hard to suppress and ignore. Trying to ignore the voice in my head telling me there is something wrong with me... same things keep happening over and over and over... it must be my fault, right?
With a couple of days perspective, the lack of invite doesn't hurt so much. It's time to move on, accept that what will be will be, that they are not my tribe.
The truth is I'm a little lonely. Sure, I know a lot of people, but I don't have many close friends. No one who calls me up to see how I am, who drops by for a cuppa, who's just there. I know it's my fault. I've pushed everyone away, kept them at arms length.
What I don't know is how to change that? How to let people in? How to let the people around me know that I'm different now? How to find my tribe??
I have no great wisdom on this really honey as I have done the same, pushing people away. It's great at first, that solitude, but then loneliness starts to eat away at you and you feel it hard. All I can say is that I seem to have come out the other side of this. I still haven't found 'my tribe' (in real life anyway) and I'm not sure I ever will but I'm ok with this now. Maybe one day I'll stumble across them but if I don't, well I'm ok with that too. I'm quite a solitary person anyway though. I have found that one of the things I've had to get round is constantly thinking that people are judging me and talking about me. I realise now that I've been paranoid for years! I think I had such a desperate need to feel accepted before but I've lost that now and I feel more content, happy with who I am and happy being me.
ReplyDeleteI suppose what I am trying to say is, maybe let your tribe find you instead of you seeking them out and be patient IYSWIM. I'm not suggesting that you make no effort to socialise but perhaps try to relax about it a bit.
I always remember a fridge magnet a friend once gave me: It read "It takes a long time to grow an old friend". I suppose what it means is that true friends don't just happen over night.
You ARE a lovely beautiful person Polly. I hope that one day you'll find contentment with the friendship thing one way or the other. Maybe you're just a bit like me in that when you have none you want them and when you have them you don't ;-)
Big (((hugs))) xxx
loneliness is tough. i'm a loner and even i have felt that keen sense of being on the outside. we all need a tribe. whether it's a tight close-knit one of something looser and more flexible.
ReplyDeleteif love doesn't come pouring to you from one group, as you say, they're likely not your tribe. stay open, yur tribe might be in unlikely places.
I know where you are coming from. Since I was about 13 I have spent years either with full-blown depression or feeling I am on ‘the edge’, as I call it.
ReplyDeleteI make friends easily, yet as soon as they get too close and start wanting to meet up too often I usually freak out and make up excuses and just stay at home and have a bath or watch TV, trying to convince myself that this safety blanket I use is actually what I want.
I was in a real dark space a few years ago, I was so low, rather than loose weight like you I ate loads, got stuck in a rubbish job and just felt crap. I could not see myself coming back from this one to be honest.
My saving grace was doing a night course, through the course I opened up and met some really good caring friends that also are sensitive souls and understand totally what I am like.
I understand that being a mother must be really time consuming but maybe a night course in pottery, yoga, writing etc… will give you the chance to not only get out the situation for a night a week, but give you a chance to meet a new tribe.
xxx Violet
You come and live in Derby near me and you come round for a cuppa whenever you like :-) Always here if not in person than in spirit! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDelete@ Talie - I agree, one of the big things I need to get over is that people are constanlty judging me. I'm slowly losing the desperate need to be accepted.
ReplyDeleteI know that I can't expect things to change over night. I know I'm doing the right things and trying to reach out to people (IRL as well as online)And yes - when I have them I don't want them, and when I don't I do want them. Contrary Miss I am ;-)
@ Violet. I so know where you're coming from. I do make friends easily, but when they start getting too close I push them away. I would love to do an evening course, or go to a yoga class or something. But my husband works shifts, no one else to look after the girlies, so right now it's not really do-able :-(
@Charlotte... find me a house and i'm there :D
Its a hard thing, friendship! If I lived closer, I would invite you over to my tiny place and we could enjoy that cuppa, and chat the day away!
ReplyDeleteWow this post hit the nail on the head for me. I feel exactly the same! Eyes welling up.
ReplyDeleteI still haven't pinpointed the moment I went from secure, carefree, confident friend. To getting myself so wound up with I am not good enough.
I know you are more than welcome here. Anytime x
just be yourself x
@That Crazy Family... if only we were closer
ReplyDelete@Lisa... I'm working on being less tied up in thinking I'm not good enough. And you know, meeting up with some of my online friends was on my list of 29 Things to do this year.....
Polly, I can so relate to this. I keep thinking that at the age of 30 I should have worked this all out by now, but I guess it's ingrained and something you have to learn to work around. But it's so hard at times, and I just wish it was less of a struggle!
ReplyDeleteThere was a time in my life I thought I had it all sussed but the problem was I was putting on a veneer and so wasn't myself. We just have to learn to love and live with ourselves no matter what, and that's when we can find real happiness and true friendship!
xxx
Wow this post hit the nail on the head for me. I feel exactly the same! Eyes welling up.
ReplyDeleteI still haven't pinpointed the moment I went from secure, carefree, confident friend. To getting myself so wound up with I am not good enough.
I know you are more than welcome here. Anytime x
just be yourself x
I know where you are coming from. Since I was about 13 I have spent years either with full-blown depression or feeling I am on ‘the edge’, as I call it.
ReplyDeleteI make friends easily, yet as soon as they get too close and start wanting to meet up too often I usually freak out and make up excuses and just stay at home and have a bath or watch TV, trying to convince myself that this safety blanket I use is actually what I want.
I was in a real dark space a few years ago, I was so low, rather than loose weight like you I ate loads, got stuck in a rubbish job and just felt crap. I could not see myself coming back from this one to be honest.
My saving grace was doing a night course, through the course I opened up and met some really good caring friends that also are sensitive souls and understand totally what I am like.
I understand that being a mother must be really time consuming but maybe a night course in pottery, yoga, writing etc… will give you the chance to not only get out the situation for a night a week, but give you a chance to meet a new tribe.
xxx Violet
I have no great wisdom on this really honey as I have done the same, pushing people away. It's great at first, that solitude, but then loneliness starts to eat away at you and you feel it hard. All I can say is that I seem to have come out the other side of this. I still haven't found 'my tribe' (in real life anyway) and I'm not sure I ever will but I'm ok with this now. Maybe one day I'll stumble across them but if I don't, well I'm ok with that too. I'm quite a solitary person anyway though. I have found that one of the things I've had to get round is constantly thinking that people are judging me and talking about me. I realise now that I've been paranoid for years! I think I had such a desperate need to feel accepted before but I've lost that now and I feel more content, happy with who I am and happy being me.
ReplyDeleteI suppose what I am trying to say is, maybe let your tribe find you instead of you seeking them out and be patient IYSWIM. I'm not suggesting that you make no effort to socialise but perhaps try to relax about it a bit.
I always remember a fridge magnet a friend once gave me: It read "It takes a long time to grow an old friend". I suppose what it means is that true friends don't just happen over night.
You ARE a lovely beautiful person Polly. I hope that one day you'll find contentment with the friendship thing one way or the other. Maybe you're just a bit like me in that when you have none you want them and when you have them you don't ;-)
Big (((hugs))) xxx