Moving Forward

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"Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. "
--Goethe 

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Trying to work out what it is that I've been doing wrong, why my depression keeps coming back, sucking me in to it's black hole, taking away my joy, my energy, my self. For some reason, I got to thinking about the Wizard of Oz. It's one of my favourite movies, I have watched it countless times. I was thinking about how Dorothy spends the whole movie searching for the wizard, only to find that the power of the wizard was inside her the whole time.

 

The power to change and grow is inside all of us too, we just have to remember that. I've spent most of my life searching for someone, anyone who will make everything alright. Someone to stop the hurting, and make all the bad memories go away. Someone who could make me into the person I want to be, who could give me the life I dreamed of. It is only now that I'm beginning to realise that the only person who can do any of that is ME. A lifetime's search to find who I needed was right here all along!

In a way I feel some relief... that I don't have to search any long, trying to find the person who can magically make everything better. But the knowledge that it all lies with me is quite scary. The very fact that it's taken me nearly 30 years to work this out, years that have been difficult. Years in which I've struggled to stay alive, to find a reason to keep going.

“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar” --Thich Nhat Hanh.

I think that I have used my suffering as an excuse to not have to change, to not have to move forward. I could always pass everything off on the things that I have gone through, thereby deflecting any responsibility away from myself. I've avoided living the life I've wanted, avoided being the person I could be, all because I was too scared to move forward and leave the suffering behind.

The person I am today is the result of all that I have been through. Yet I am not that little girl or that vulnerable teenager. No longer am I someone who will let others treat me however they please. No more is that me. 

I know that moving forward and leaving my past behind will not be an easy road to navigate, but I know that I have the power inside of me. I'm trying to take one small step at a time, to not expect everything to change all at once, and to be patient. 

I want to be the person I know I am deep inside, I want to live the life that I dream. Life is too short to sit and watch anymore of it pass me by. It is time to stand up and take action, to show my daughter's that I am a strong woman, that we can be and do anything our heart desires.