8.29.2010

my body and me

“It’s hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.”
Sally Kempton



for the majority of my life, i've hated what has stared back at me in the mirror. i was diagnosed with bdd in my late teens, but i can see that i was already in it's grip for a good ten years prior to diagnosis.

one of my earliest coping methods was to stop eating, putting all my focus on avoiding food meant that i had little time or energy to focus on the real problems, it helped me feel like i was in control when everything around me was spiralling away from me and it helped to stop me feeling anything... it kept me numb.

even aged 6 i can remember feeling body shame.... and that has never gone away. 
that shame has trapped me, prevented me from living a full life. I've missed parties because i felt intimidated, i've spent too long throwing up in toilets instead of connecting with the people around me. i've never been free to enjoy all that life has to offer, because every day i have been suffering the fact that i can't stand what i see in the mirror.

for the past 8 years i've struggled to accept that my body is not what it once was. i still compare myself to how i was at 20, to a body i'd achieved through anorexia and bulimia. now after 3 babies, my body is not as skinny as it was.

whenever things get tough, and i'm back in the depths of depression... controlling my eating blocks everything else out. it stops me needing to deal with the reasons behind my depression. it consumes my every thought and blocks all else out. it's as if my mind thinks that abusing my body negates the abuse that has been done to me.

a few weeks ago i read Tara's post on body compassion, as well as the post from Ronnie which inspired her. i also came across the First Ourselves website where i spent several hours reading the info there on healthy body image.

it was like a wake up call, i cannot keep on abusing my body, i have to find a way to accept me for who i am. truthfully it's never really been about being 'skinny', although a little voice in me head always tells me "if only you were skinny then everything would be ok". i know that that isn't true, and the past 20 + years are proof, i also know that at a uk size 10 i hardly qualify as fat. but it's more about how i feel than how big i really am. 

another thing i am all too aware of is i have 3 daughters. and when i'm bent over the toilet bowl, throwing up the dinner i made myself eat so they wouldn't wonder why i wasn't eating (again), tears rolling down my face and my heart breaking at the thought of them ever feeling like this. i am no longer just me. my actions no longer affect just me. so for my daughters sakes as much as for me i say no more. no more starving. no more binging. no more purging.

my body isn't the same as it was when i was 20. but even after all i have done to it, it still gave me 3 beautiful daughters, which goes to show just how amazing the human body is. i'd been told that because of my anorexia it would unlikely that i'd be able to conceive.

my body needs lots of love and  tlc, it needs me to appreciate all the good it has to offer, all the good it has given me. it needs me to nourish it me healthy foods and accept and love it no matter what.

more than anything i want my daughters to grow up with a healthy body image, to not think that being a size 0 is the only way to be beautiful. to know that a female body is a thing of beauty, glorious in it's curves, a thing to be celebrated and proud of.




18 comments:

  1. My sister also stops eating when she is depressed. At the moment she is really thin and it really worries me.

    I keep trying to get her to come to yoga with me as I really truly believe it is the cure for depression, it has been the key to me getting off the medication, and begin to love my self and life again. That and regular massages have changed my life.

    be kind to yourself.

    xx Polly

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  2. In some twisted way I completely get what you mean.. just I'm at the other end of the spectrum in that I eat, rather than not.

    (((hugs)))

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  3. Just wanted to send hugs to you Polly xxxx

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  4. Polly, i send you strength with your battle.
    we all have our bodily issues, don't we?
    like you said, we have to love our bodies, if we don't, it won't love us back! ;)

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  5. Our bodies are magical. I mean, we as women have an amazing superpower...we grow human beings!
    After having babies I have come to love my perfectly imperfect body, stretchmarks, loose skin and all.
    This body of mine gave life, and I don't have to look very far to see what it helped to create. How marvelous and magical are these bodies of ours?!
    When I see the picture of you that you posted, I see a gorgeous woman! I hope that by posting this you can start to heal yourself a bit, and come to some peace with your beautiful self!
    Oh...if we could only see ourselves through each others eyes!
    Much much love to you brave mama!
    xo maureen

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  6. I totally agree with the above comment, you are so stunning! I can't believe you could feel any negativity towards yourself.

    Thank you for your comment on my blog, Wales in rainy but I love it :)

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  7. Polly, I am so proud of you for making this stand for yourself and your children. It takes a lot of courage to enforce boundaries against negative and self sabotaging behavior!

    This is a really inspiring post. And it comes at a perfect time for me. I'm struggling with many of the same internal issues you are. It's empowering to be able to connect with someone else who is in the process of facing their gremlins head on. Much love to you on the journey. And, I would love to talk with you more about this if you ever want or need to.

    Brightness and bravery to you ~

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  8. Think you always look stunning xxxx

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  9. Hi Polly - Thank you for your lovely comment on my blog. So nice to "meet" you.

    I really wanted to comment on this post because I struggled with bulemia for years when I was younger. And while I haven't been an active bulemic (not sure what to call it...)in years, I still remember those days as if they were yesterday.It's not about the size of our waist - it's about how we perceive ourselves. Eating disorders are a mental illness. No one can understand unless they've been there. They are not about wanting to be better or skinnier or prettier. They are, like you said, about being in control at all costs. But the cost of controling our diet or our body is too high. I know you know this (because you incredibly beautiful post made that clear.) I would love to chat more about this if you are interested. xo

    We so need to learn to love our amazing bodies. They gave us our beautiful children and have supported us for all the years of our life. They deserve our love and respect. They are wonderful.

    And I agree with everyone else - you are gorgeous. You have such kind and loving eyes. I wish you could see the beautiful soul shining out. She is someone I'd like to get to know better.

    Sending you much love and healing vibes, Debbie

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  10. I read this a while back when you first posted and somehow forgot to post a comment. I just want to say that you are beautiful, this was the first thing that stood out to me when I saw your blog and your photo. You have such a beautiful and kind face. Your spirit shines through, and it is a beautiful one.

    I was anorexic and bulimic when I was a teenager so I can empathize with your grief. I also gained about sixty pounds when I was pregnant with Luna! Oh, that was hard. But what I'm learning now, and you've seen me discussing some of this on my blog, is that what I need most, what I desire most, is balance, balance in my attitude towards eating, that is. I did my yeast, sugar, and gluten detox for a couple of weeks, I feel great now, and I'm re-introducing a little bit of fruit. I eat a lot of fat and protein, which is what my body needs, and many veggies. I'm happy this way. I allow myself a treat now and then. I really think it's overdoing it sometimes though that brings me down, because I know I'm overdoing it because of, oh, issues in life, you know, that I don't feel like facing, or restlessness, or something.

    Anyway, I think it's wonderful that you're discussing it here and wanting change, wanting self-love. You DESERVE it, my dear friend.

    Much love to you!

    Juliana

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  11. huge thanks for all your comments, have made me blush slightly :-)

    @Twig and Toadstool... if we could see ourselves through someone else's eyes that would be great!

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  12. Thank you for being courageous and sharing your story. Most girls don't talk about it and so no one realizes this is a bigger problem than it is. Most look at you like you are just wanting attention. I have had a few friends who have eating disorders and I can't get anyone close to them in proximity to help them out. It's a lot harder over the phone. :( Thank you again for sharing. Look for my "Project: Chasing Beauty" on facebook. I don't know if you are already a fan. I am on a hiatus right now. But that might help you out. :)

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  13. huge thanks for all your comments, have made me blush slightly :-)

    @Twig and Toadstool... if we could see ourselves through someone else's eyes that would be great!

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  14. Hi Polly - Thank you for your lovely comment on my blog. So nice to "meet" you.

    I really wanted to comment on this post because I struggled with bulemia for years when I was younger. And while I haven't been an active bulemic (not sure what to call it...)in years, I still remember those days as if they were yesterday.It's not about the size of our waist - it's about how we perceive ourselves. Eating disorders are a mental illness. No one can understand unless they've been there. They are not about wanting to be better or skinnier or prettier. They are, like you said, about being in control at all costs. But the cost of controling our diet or our body is too high. I know you know this (because you incredibly beautiful post made that clear.) I would love to chat more about this if you are interested. xo

    We so need to learn to love our amazing bodies. They gave us our beautiful children and have supported us for all the years of our life. They deserve our love and respect. They are wonderful.

    And I agree with everyone else - you are gorgeous. You have such kind and loving eyes. I wish you could see the beautiful soul shining out. She is someone I'd like to get to know better.

    Sending you much love and healing vibes, Debbie

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  15. Think you always look stunning xxxx

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  16. AWH, such a GREAT post, your writing style sucked me in with the first few words!
    and you know what? I opened the tab not knowing what kind of post it would display and I saw the picture and I thought, "awh, how beautiful she is!" go, go, go with your plans, your body really deserves to be loved. consider this a love-postit, good-lookin'! ;o)
    much love!!!
    yaga

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  17. I think it is the same for all us mamas - we become lost and found simoulteneously when we become a portal for the babes to come earthside. They change us forever. It truly is a blessing, never forget dear one. You are beautiful because of what you have come through. The velveteen rabbit is a gorgeous reminder of becoming beautiful when we are worn with love :-) xxx

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